Fabulous Friday

This week got off to a rough start but ended on a lovely note.  It's a beautiful day, due to circumstances beyond my control I got off work early, and Oscar & I are hangin in the living room with the windows open watching the kitties while they watch the birds through the screen.

I got to do some really fun flower arranging last night.  Thonette from DWF (one of my favorite floral wholesale places) needed help making a carnation puppy & I got to help.  It turned out super cute & I had a lot of fun putting it together.


       

This was for the funeral of a gentleman who bred, raised, and loved miniature black poodles.  He also loved spring flowers & the color pink. I think it works perfectly for the situation.

I took the leftover flowers that Thonette gave me to work today and have quite probably open a can of worms.  I am now under contract to put together Easter centerpieces for several people I work with.  Not that I'm really very upset about it.  I still love arranging and now that it's only my "hobby" again it's relaxing.

Yahzi's being pretty adorable as he watches his favorite "smellavision" channel.  Gonna sign off and try to get some pictures.
Live Long & Prosper.
~m

WoooooHoooooo

Been doin' a whole lot of nothin'.  I go to work before any sane person should be awake, I work my shift, go out to Jordan for a few hours if I'm lucky, and then come home to lay down & force myself to stay there way beyond the point where it becomes boring.  Frustrating as that routine is it seems to be the right balance for the time being.  I can do a little bit more each day.

The stress at work has not decreased, but I am becoming more and more able to ignore what I can not control.  It is by no means a healthy or happy environment, but it's far from the worst I've ever been in.  At least I am able to do my best while I'm there & leave the stress there when I exit.

Watching star trek from beginning to end has become my distraction of the moment.  It's interesting....and proves that I am a geek.  But Scott is able to identify and name the episodes from brief clips as I go through them.  It's a bit of comfort to be not as much a geek as him.

Gonna go watch more corny next generation episodes.

Live long & prosper.
~m

Need some Zen

From Friday:

I haven't been at all close to my best this week.  Breaking in new shoes & overcooked pasta are just 2 of the things that have brought me to tears.  I'm pretty certain that's not at all normal! I'm hoping  it's just a combination of several things that have been not right  for a long while.  I think I've run out of coping mechanisms.  I am working on determining my options.

Not much to report beyond that.  More of the same.  Enjoying my nearly daily visits with Lynn.   Figuratively jumping the many hurdles of daily life.
The new job is still far from what I loved at Jordan campus.  I'm learning more and more of the rhythm of things at Redwood, but I really miss the "family" for lack of a better word that had formed at Jordan where I felt like there was nearly always someone who might correct or assist me.  I know this stress is partially due to my own stress & unhappiness with the change.  I'm hoping that with time I can settle in, be more comfortable with the people & experiences there.

 I'm also having a bit of a time adjusting to the different pain I'm experiencing now that I'm not dealing with the strong nerve pain.  Where before all of the pain went into the same box labeled "ignore"I was dangerously good at managing it, now there's subtle bone aches, sharp spasms, and this really strange sensation I believe is called hunger when I forget to eat.  It is by no means anything I would trade.  I'm just not used to these new identifiable single notes of discomfort yet.  I am so much weaker than I'm used to and tasks that I could manage even with the piercing pain are often too much & have to be abandoned or beg for help.  I'm really glad to have Lynn's walker way more often than I'd like to admit.  Doesn't help that I am less patient with myself than I am with others, & I've never been one to win any award for any sort of patience.

I am just a tiny corner of this awesome world, and previously my solace has been focusing on the bright beautiful & precious wherever I could find it.  That's a bit of a revelation actually.  I must not be focusing where I used to find solace.  Therefore I must be being more selfish.  That's one to think on.

And to attempt a bit of focus change, lets try a list.

Today when I saw my primary doctor for the first time in 3 months, my guts & my spine feel amazingly different. Since my last visit with him, my bp is reasonable.  Even when I've had a high stress day, haven't taken my meds or eaten yet, just left a not un-stressful visit with my friends at Jordan, and dealt with the office staff at West Jordan Medical who never fail to piss me off.

The doc was happy with what he see's optimistic about my physical state, and helpful with my mental state.

Today was Friday & I don't have to go back to that awful place that is now my job until Monday.  To be fair it's not as awful as many other places, I am only spoiled by the unique and much cherished situation I had at Jordan.  I really wonder if part of my frustration with this move is really disappointment at loosing something that I loved so much.  It will never be true that I didn't appreciate that job.  Even before things shifted I knew what a great thing I had.  I can only make peace & move on. It doesn't help that I'm still sort of in limbo between the two worlds.  It is both a pain & a comfort to go out to Jordan, see all those people, taste the unique charms of that place & job even for a few hours each week.  I waffle between the rip of the bandaid quickly theory & savoring the remains of something sweet.

 Sunday evening:

Sorry for the break in my post, had to stop suddenly & didn't' get back to the blog again till tonight.  It's been a crazy sort of weekend.  Not exactly busy, but not at all slow.  Wish it was 3 days longer.  The rest has done me good.

Yesterday Scott cooked corned beef & cul cannon (no idea how to spell that, it's a veggie potato dish).  All was delish!

Weather's been hit and miss big storm system moving through.  I think I'm ready for spring.  Hope I build back enough strength to go motorcycling & camping before too long.

Yahzi says I have to skritch him & help him watch birds now.  Just as well, I'm out of anything intelligent to say.

Live long & prosper.
~m

Not much that glitters.

My hesitancy to share negatives has pretty much blundered my blog for a while.  I am having a hard time settling into this new version of my job. 
It's no one thing, nor anyone's fault.  I've even come to a place where I'm not blaming myself anymore.  Apart from not fixing my gall bladder or back I can't see a way I could have avoided this stress & I simply can't regret those 2 major upgrades in quality of life.  If the price I pay is losing a job I loved & being essentially forced into one I seemingly can not succeed at is the price then it's still absolutely worth it.  That doesn't stop it from being frustrating & often exhausting.  Perhaps if I could cut all ties with Jordan Campus & forget how much I loved working there it might be easier.  But that's not an option. My hours were cut in the move & I not only want but need to finish the project I'm doing for admissions.

But enough of pouring my stress out here.  I am resilient, and will do my best to bloom where I'm planted.  & if the soil really does prove too acidic then I'll find another garden.

I've not had much of interest to report.  Since my encounter with the black ice I've had to becareful to used my cane or Lynn's walker.  It makes a big difference.  Knowing I have a way to catch my balance or sit down if I have a muscle spasm is an immense comfort.  I don't need it most of the time, but those few times when the muscles seize make it worth any hassle.  Healing is slower since the injury, but I am making recovery.  I've had a bit of frustration getting risk management to understand why my surgeon doesn't feel I should be pushing through physical therapy right away.  The only rational way I'm able to interpret their behavior is to pretend I'm some sort of scam artist trying to wring every possible anything from the legal system.  It's disgusting to be treated that way when all I want from the mess is for someone to be a bit more attentive when distributing ice melt on nasty frozen mornings.

Danny & Lynn walk that same piece of entry walk at that same time of day, and what injured me could just as easily have hurt one of them.  That's not ok with me.  They both have plenty to deal with already.


Oh dear.  It's late, and I haven't managed to include one positive in this whole post yet.  I really need to do something to fix my outlook.  I'd say I need a camping trip, but loading and climbing into the camper still seems a bit of a nightmare.  Perhaps putting together more plans for visiting with T&J while they're in Moab this summer would help.  If I get a chance tomorrow I'll work on that.

Mom & Glenn are still elbow deep in constructing their trailer, this afternoon I found out they're headed to a food show in St. G.  The weather should be nice for it as long as they get home before the weekend.

Scott spent the weekend moving furniture and setting up electronics to rearrange our living room.  I really  like the change & hope he can too once things settle.  Kitties do not approve....yet.

This morning I tried a new way of preparing coffee & discovered A: It's been long enough since I was the coffee shift at Maverik with it's ehky flavored burnt coffee smells & B: If I get the strength & mix right I can stand to drink the stuff.  I know for some of you that this seems like a sacrilege goal, but the other half of you have been wondering for years how I could go without & it didn't effect my marriage.  In fact, Coffee is one of the few recipes I ever called up my mom in law to ask her how to make it "the way he likes".  Moral hang ups being whatever they are, the fact is that more than ever I needed some sort of chemical stimulant to help me face this new job and all it's "glory".  Without coffee the options were pretty ridiculous. I'm confident that this new ability will improve my marriage (sometime after he gets used to sharing).

Ok, it's even later now, and I was exhausted before this day even started.  Better try another pill to slow the spasms and try for some sleep. Wish me luck & know that my dear ones are the shiny thing that's getting me through the day.  So thanks for being there.  My love & my thanks to you.  You're the thing that's keeping hope in my heart & peace at the core of my soul.  This too shall pass.
~m

A visit with Dad.

So those of you who know me well know that every now & then I get to visit with my Dad.  It's rarer lately than it used to be.  I don't know if it's happening less often, or if I just don't need to remember it as much.  But today was a very clear vivid situation & I'm going to take a moment to share.

Today turned out to be high stress for me.  I turned in the "official" workplace incident form for my black ice incident this morning & was immediately packed off to the workers comp doc by risk management.  Spent 2 hours waiting there for the one doctor on duty to see me.  She basically backed up my claim which isn't what risk management wanted to hear so they snapped my head off when I called them as requested after the visit.  It's not exactly my personality to snap back, but this lady was unpleasant when I was trying to be professional.  I know it's her job to keep the college from getting sued, but if there had been proper snow/ice management then I wouldn't be in severe pain right now & my recovery from surgery wouldn't be set back several weeks & I wouldn't have to pack around Lynn's walker.  But water under the bridge, it does no good to be upset I just need to accept what is & move on.

Anyhow, after I got home tonight I ate my lunch/dinner with Oscar (he really likes sesame chicken with rice & broccoli) took some pain meds & a muscle relaxer, and laid down to sleep for a couple hours in hopes of the pain backing off.  Scott promised to wake me up up before too long so I could get my hair washed and some laundry done before bed time.  While I was asleep I must have strayed into deep rem sleep because I found myself standing on the edge of a red sandstone bluff looking down at the breakaway anchored in a familiar cove.  The scrap book I kept as a teen was in my hands, and I was looking at memories (none that I remember scrapping, just that the book was a way of mentally displaying the memories).  Looking down at the boat I knew that if I walked down there dad would be sitting on the front deck in his favorite green tshirt & watching the morning sun on the water.  I walked down there, enjoying the quiet & peace of the memory & when I stepped up to the railing there he was.  Mom was there next to him asleep & we just sat together for a bit. Can't remember exactly what we said, but I remember he kept patting my hand & patting mom's shoulder as she slept.  I suddnely knew that Scott was coming to wake me up and I would have to go soon.  I didn't want to leave but had a strong impression that I could come back and find him there again soon.  I turned to dad and said "I'm sleeping now."  He nodded his head to mom & said "So is she."  & then my dear husband woke me up as promised.  It was so nice to just sit with  Dad in the quiet & think about nothing.  I know that was the whole point of the visit.  To find some calm when I desperately needed it.  & I woke up with tears running down my face, but so much more at peace in my core than I have been for a while.

I know that everyone who reads this will interpret this description in their own way & don't seek to convert or preach anything.  I simply wanted to share a beautiful moment of calm & love with those of you who might need it as much as I did.  I really hope I get to go back soon and spend a few more moments sitting with my dad enjoying just being.

Live long & prosper.
~m

Exhausted.

This first week back at work and working in the new location has been a bit demanding.  I am several steps beyond tired.  Our dear Lynn had to put Buddy down after the ultrasound showed tumors.  It was a terrible decision to have to make & I'm so sorry she had to go there.  But she's a strong woman and weathers her storms with dignity.  I hate to even mention the comparatively trivial details of my life after watching her loose such a companion.  Nothing happened that I had any choice in, I did nothing very admirable, a year from now there will not likely be any reason to recall it.  So I'm just gonna save that time, admit that I'm plain ol beat & just share light & love with those of you who I write this blog for.  There are ups and downs & everything in it's season.  I plan to spend the weekend resting and trying to catch up on things that I've had to neglect the last while.  Unless something noteworthy or comical comes along it will likely be into next week before I post again.

Live long and prosper my dear ones.
~m