beyond the writers block!

Don't get too used to it, I'm still out of practice.

You'll notice my shiny new look.  My cute cousin Lyndie inspired me with her holiday themed blog.  Of course she has ton's of wedding and family photos to spruce up her blog, and I not only don't have those but wouldn't be allowed to use them even if I did.  Thank-you-kindly paranoia.  Oh well.  It's purply -blue-green and that makes me smile.

In reading my previous posts (something I've been far too guilty to do lately) I realized that I have a bit more news to post.  Not that it's super important, but those of you the keep up with me here will prolly appreciate the addition.

Our roommate is gone.  I told him that I needed the space for family to stay with me, and Scott changed the locks while I was in Logan.  The immense relief of once again being comfortable in our own home without someone coming and going at all hours and police possibly raiding our home to check on him is immense.  I have learned from this lesson and will never again let someone take advantage of my sympathy (I hope.  Helping is one thing, being USED is completely another.  It may have been a great situation for him (free place to stay, food, etc) but it was a major invasion and liability for us.  Too bad the worlds like it is.  Our only rule was that he show us the respect we gave him, and he proved from day one that he had no idea what that meant.

Anyhow, my home is once again my own, and I WILL NOT take that for granted ever again.
Kitties & Oscar like it better too.  Scott's doing a good job at not saying "I told you so".

I better log off and watch a few minutes of tv with Scott before he goes to bed.
Love one another.
-m

The Elves Are Busy

Here's one of my blog attempts from the week of Christmas when I was severely sleep deprived.  Please forgive it's brevity <3

It's so good to be back at work, and Oscar & I are both delighted to be back to quasi normal.  We're crazy busy & up to our elbows (literally) in pine sap.  Oscar has a strange fascination with juniper berries.  I'm really hoping they're not toxic for him, since I had to confiscate them twice today

I've had trouble finding the right words.

It wasn't at all my intent to neglect my blog, in fact I've put a lot of effort into several worthless entries that I didn't feel right about posting.  So I'm not apologizing.  But I'm crossing my fingers that this post falls from my fingertips in a pleasant manner so that I can finally post again....CUZ I'M FELLING HELLA-GUILTY.

Going north to be with my family for Grandpa's passing is one of the best decisions I've made.  I have no regrets about taking off in the middle of Monday to drive north.  It was the right thing to do, and there wasn't really a choice to make.  I knew when Grandma Jackie passed that I didn't need to be there and it's kinda bothered me that that choice was so clear.  But when Grandpa was moving on I just KNEW that I needed to be with my family...more for me than any usefulness I might be to them.

I was there in his house and was able to feel the environment of LOVE.  It's not the perfect word to describe the feeling in the house, but it's the best one I know because it's so all encompassing.  I stood in his room with cousins, aunts, uncles, and my mom for a few moments watching him stuggle for each breath and fight what was coming.

Grandpa's always been a strange example of faith for me.  He absolutely believed that there was something beyond this life, but didn't have the confidence/testimony of what exactly it was.  I think he really knew more spiritually than most souls.  He just didn't believe that he was educated enough or important enough to know exactly what it was.  He was a humble man, and often expressed his worries for the afterlife as "I hope...." he BELIEVED there was something, and that he didn't deserve to know what it was.  More often than not his faith was so absolute that it terrified him.  I'm taking great comfort in him KNOWING now exactly what's out there.  He's been HOPING Grandma was happy and comfortable for 4 years now.  Now I BELIEVE he's holding her hand and they're both smiling.  I also believe that my Dad was there to give him a hug and a pat on the back as he crossed over.

A few weeks ago when my aunt and uncle stopped by to check on Grandpa they found him dozing in his chair.  When he came awake and noticed they were there he said "Where'd Keith & Brian go?"  Keith is his brother and Brian's my dad...both of whom have passed on and are on the short list of people whom Grandpa would actually listen to and trust outright.  It's my belief that they stopped by to chat with him and help him prepare for his passing.

I'm using the word believe a lot in this post, and I don't want to open up a theological debate.  I rarely explain or justify my beliefs to anyone.  They are the most basic and personal foundations of my self.  I respect everyone's right to worship in the privacy of his own soul, and I expect the same.  So if my belief clashes or differs with yours, consider it my opinion and know I treasure diversity.  If we agree perhaps my sharing will help you recognize a truth you've also seen in your life.

So I was there in my Grandfather's home..surrounded by love, and acceptance, and most of the people who taught me to tease...when he gave up the battle and passed from this life.  My cousin Kim (a brave soul who's fighting her own battle with cancer) was holding his hand and saying goodbye so she could go home and suffer the after effects of the kemo she'd just received.  His breathing changed, he stopped fighting, and they called the rest of us back into the room.  Eric who has been Grandpa's shadow all of his life was on his way into the house as Grandpa was leaving it.  I don't know how to explain all the emotions I went through in that hour and the ones after it, and there were so many...so I'm just going to sum it up by saying: I am SO glad I was there.  It's the only place I should have been right then, and I have NO regrets.

The following week was full of a thousand details, and tears.  Not of sadness though.  Just of loss.  We all miss him so much, and he's been our tie to Grandma and their home for the last 4 years.  I think we're all grieving both of them a bit now.

We planned a Hillyard funeral, in our own style.  It was longer than Grandpa would have asked for, and none of us would trade the time and memories shared to make it shorter.  His daughters sang (backed by his granddaughters since we weren't sure who'd be busy bawling), all of his children shared a memory of their Dad, and most of his grandchildren shared a memory of Grandpa.  There wasn't a lot of preaching, but there was a lot of faith shared, and a lot of love remembered.  Also I'm pretty sure that I haven't heard the word shit referred to as a noun in a chapel ever  before.  The boys (grandsons) carried the his pine casket to a horse drawn hearse and Eric lead a horse wearing his saddle behind the hearse all the way to the cemetery.  After the praying was done we sang "Horsey horsey on your way we've been together..." as the hearse left.  It was one of those strange completely non traditional things that was perfect for the situation.

Since the funeral I'm back home and trying to get caught back up with life.  Mom came down Wednesday to do some shopping for USU.  We found the right fabric for her project and then somehow we talked ourselves into driving over to Park City in one of the worst snow storms of the year.  It was an adventure, and neither of us was really scared, but we prolly won't be doing that again any time soon.  She ended up staying at my house and driving home the next day.  We had a good visit that day too.  It's been a long time since we both had time to just spend with each other doing whatever we want.

Scott & I are gearing up for our annual Quartzsite trip.  Once again we'll be camping in the desert with some of our favorite people, campfires, conversation, low expectations, good food, and a New Christy Minstrels Concert.  Also a stop at the Fried Jalapeno Cheese Curd Cart.  Judy & I might do some bead/craft shopping too.

What with all the time away from work lately and our vacation looming, I'm finding that my budget isn't going at all like I'd like.  But I'm trying to ignore that.  I wouldn't trade a moment of the week I took off or the time with my mom.  Also we had the annual Cousin Shoppin trip in the midst of all the funeral plans.  It was the right thing to do, and I'll find a way to pay my bills somehow. Besides, who can be grumpy when they're leaving highs of 34 and snow forecast to go to highs in the 60's and a chance of sunshine?

Life's pretty good to me, and I'm loving where and who I am.
Hoping everyone finds joy and peace in the new year.
-m

...

Glen William Hillyard (1923 - 2010)

Glen William Hillyard, also known as "Crow," died peacefully of natural causes in his home, surrounded by his family on Monday, Dec. 13, 2010. He was born on the homestead at the base of Crow Mountain, north of Smithfield, Utah, on Dec. 15, 1923. He died just two days shy of his 87th birthday.
Glen grew up north of Smithfield. He attended local schools and graduated from North Cache High where he excelled at basketball and was given the nickname "Crow" by his coach. He convinced Jackie Hansen to be his bride on Feb. 27, 1946. They were later sealed in the Logan LDS Temple. Together, they raised a family of five children, Dixie (Lee) Skabelund, of Centerville, John (Janet Willmore), of Smithfield, Sheri Andersen Murray (Glenn), of Smithfield, Leisa Christensen (Dale), of Smithfield, and Angela Heaps (Michael), of Smithfield. They have 18 grandchildren and 26 great-grandchildren. He is also survived by his younger sister, MarJean Anderson, of Newton.
During his working years, Glen touched the lives of many. He was employed by Del Monte Pack, U and I Amalgamate Sugar in Lewiston, local feed stores, Jack Parson Construction, Utah State University and the Cache County Road Maintenance Crew. He then retired to live his dream as a sportsman and full time farmer.
He was always known for his excellent horsemanship. In his younger years, Glen was a member of the Summit Saddlers Riding Club and participated in many rides in the mountains. Glen was an avid hunter and loved spending time on a horse in the hills hunting deer and elk. He was instrumental in promoting and participating in cutter races in Smithfield and, later, at Forrester Acres. He established Hillyard Stables and was known for his gray horses. Winken Tim was one of his most successful runners.
By his example Glen taught his whole family to love hard work and horsemanship. He loved dairy farming and continued to milk until he was in his 80s. Glen had a big heart and was always willing to help others. He had a great sense of humor, and made many lifelong friends.
Glen was preceded in death by his wife, Jacquelyn, his son-in-law, Brian Andersen, and his grandson, Cortney DeLoy Christensen.
Funeral services will be held Monday, Dec. 20, 2010, at noon at the yellow brick church in Smithfield, 179 N. 100 East. Friends may call at Nelson Funeral Home, 85 S. Main St., Smithfield, Sunday evening from 6 to 8 p.m. and at the church on Monday from 10:30 to 11:30 a.m. Interment will be in the Smithfield City Cemetery.

-

Today we buried my Grandpa, the last of my grandparents, and hopefully the last funeral I have to be closely involved in for quite some time.  I left work and home in a bit of a rush last Monday and was able to be with my Mom through the week. It's been a very long  and emotional week, & I'm glad I spent it with my family.  There are so many things to take care of and plan out, even when you know it's coming it's still a shock.  He passed on just 20 minutes after I arrived at his home.  I was very grateful to be there with my mom and aunts in that moment & all the ones that followed it.  I hope i didn't intrude.

My Uncle John arranged for a horse drawn hearse to carry him to the cemetery, and my cousin Eric rode behind it leading a horse who wore Grandpa's saddle.  There were a few fussy details to make that happen, but the results were amazing.  It was RIGHT.  Grandpa had a lot of anxiety about moving into the hereafter, and he never did get entirely comfortable with dieing.  Now that he's crossed that bridge & remembered all the things that were forgotten, I'm pretty sure he's happy with the way we celebrated his reunion with Grandma.

I'm so tired, and not very able to pull together details, so please forgive.  I've had a lot of emotional highs this week, some lows, and several overloads when I just had to sit and cry.

My kitties missed me.  Scott says he had to trick Yahzi into snuggling, eating, and doing any of his normal things.  He's my sensitive baby & he knew that not only wasn't I here, but I was sad.  Spazz & Sider don't place that much importance on the emotions of we humans.

While I was north I spent several nights at the Christensen Ranchette (Dale & Leisa's Home) they all love kritters as much as me, and always seem to have some sort of rescue animal in their care.  The rescues this week are a motley crew of kittens.  From different litters, and all adorable.  There's a pair of ginger/marmalade kittens that were born in the seat of a school bus and abandoned by their feral mother.  They have just as much joy in adventure and brave curiosity as you could ever imagine for a kitten.  Their companion is a tiny calico who's been named Horton (Leisa & her bunch are just as creative about naming animals as I am).  Horton was mauled by a dog in her first or second day of life and was brought to the house for nursing by the previously mentioned tough guy Eric (I love him tons and tease him mercilessly).  They fostered her in another family of kittens and she's proving to have quite a personality and possibly a few special needs.  Sambo, a pure black kitten (who's story I don't know) with an adorable attitude climbed onto my shoulder a few nights ago while I was unpacking my car and refused to climb down until he'd been sufficiently snuggled. All of these adorable babies are up for adoption, so if you know of anyone who needs a christmas present that will win the day let me know!  I'd adopt any of them myself if I wasn't already at maximum capacity. 3 cats and a very confused green bird is all we can handle.

I think I'm going to turn my brain off now and hope that I when I turn it back on I'll have more to work with.

Happy Holidays.

-m

We'll meet again.

Been busy lately getting together details for Grandpa Glen's funeral.  I have to drive to Mom's to use internet, so please forgive the brief post.  We're sad but coping.  Love y'all, more later.
-m

My dentist is on vacation...or dead...or avoiding me....

I've called 4 times in the last week to make an appointment and I get their after hours answering service who usually hangs up on me within 20 seconds.  What did I do?  Am I a pariah?  I LOVE my dentist, he's quick, honest, and has fabulous eyes.  Even his billing people are amazing. THEY CAN'T BE GONE!

Guess I'm panicking.  I should just keep trying and perhaps stop by their office.  That's a more rational goal.

Judy & I've coerced and teased Scott into going back to Quartzsite this winter.  Yay!  It's going to be yet again delightful.  New Christy Minstrels concert, Cob Salad in Mesquite, jalapeno cheese curds, and sweet potato pancakes.  And that's mostly just the food!  There will be good people, unique sunsets, time to think, fireside conversations, and absolutely no expectations.

I've got a good portion of my holiday shopping done.  Instead of doing universal gifts this year I've done a bit more personal tailoring.  Hope that doesn't bite me!  Thank goodness most of my Brown family doesn't expect a present.  We set up a tradition a while ago to not do gifts, but to go out for a meal together during the year.  It's amazingly non stressful. As long as we can keep Lynn out of the hospital that is.  Of course we all spoil Mason.  It's just so much fun, I can't resist.  I may be a lack luster non participant aunt, but he's the only nephew I've got and I intend to do what I can.

There's a bunch more going on, but most of the details aren't mine to share.  I'll catch y'all up on it when it's public knowledge.

Happy Solstice, hope we all find peace, hope, prosperity, and just a touch of self indulgence this season.
-m

Good Golly

I am SO tired.  Can't even string thoughts together.

Yesterday we had some amazing FOG.  Scott & I went to sears for new pillows.  Blah, blah,. blah...our life is pretty boring.

Thank You Kindly!!!!!
Boring ain't at all bad.

Still haven't found a way to boot the roomy.  I suck.

Pretty much everyone is better than me.
-m