Not much that glitters.

My hesitancy to share negatives has pretty much blundered my blog for a while.  I am having a hard time settling into this new version of my job. 
It's no one thing, nor anyone's fault.  I've even come to a place where I'm not blaming myself anymore.  Apart from not fixing my gall bladder or back I can't see a way I could have avoided this stress & I simply can't regret those 2 major upgrades in quality of life.  If the price I pay is losing a job I loved & being essentially forced into one I seemingly can not succeed at is the price then it's still absolutely worth it.  That doesn't stop it from being frustrating & often exhausting.  Perhaps if I could cut all ties with Jordan Campus & forget how much I loved working there it might be easier.  But that's not an option. My hours were cut in the move & I not only want but need to finish the project I'm doing for admissions.

But enough of pouring my stress out here.  I am resilient, and will do my best to bloom where I'm planted.  & if the soil really does prove too acidic then I'll find another garden.

I've not had much of interest to report.  Since my encounter with the black ice I've had to becareful to used my cane or Lynn's walker.  It makes a big difference.  Knowing I have a way to catch my balance or sit down if I have a muscle spasm is an immense comfort.  I don't need it most of the time, but those few times when the muscles seize make it worth any hassle.  Healing is slower since the injury, but I am making recovery.  I've had a bit of frustration getting risk management to understand why my surgeon doesn't feel I should be pushing through physical therapy right away.  The only rational way I'm able to interpret their behavior is to pretend I'm some sort of scam artist trying to wring every possible anything from the legal system.  It's disgusting to be treated that way when all I want from the mess is for someone to be a bit more attentive when distributing ice melt on nasty frozen mornings.

Danny & Lynn walk that same piece of entry walk at that same time of day, and what injured me could just as easily have hurt one of them.  That's not ok with me.  They both have plenty to deal with already.


Oh dear.  It's late, and I haven't managed to include one positive in this whole post yet.  I really need to do something to fix my outlook.  I'd say I need a camping trip, but loading and climbing into the camper still seems a bit of a nightmare.  Perhaps putting together more plans for visiting with T&J while they're in Moab this summer would help.  If I get a chance tomorrow I'll work on that.

Mom & Glenn are still elbow deep in constructing their trailer, this afternoon I found out they're headed to a food show in St. G.  The weather should be nice for it as long as they get home before the weekend.

Scott spent the weekend moving furniture and setting up electronics to rearrange our living room.  I really  like the change & hope he can too once things settle.  Kitties do not approve....yet.

This morning I tried a new way of preparing coffee & discovered A: It's been long enough since I was the coffee shift at Maverik with it's ehky flavored burnt coffee smells & B: If I get the strength & mix right I can stand to drink the stuff.  I know for some of you that this seems like a sacrilege goal, but the other half of you have been wondering for years how I could go without & it didn't effect my marriage.  In fact, Coffee is one of the few recipes I ever called up my mom in law to ask her how to make it "the way he likes".  Moral hang ups being whatever they are, the fact is that more than ever I needed some sort of chemical stimulant to help me face this new job and all it's "glory".  Without coffee the options were pretty ridiculous. I'm confident that this new ability will improve my marriage (sometime after he gets used to sharing).

Ok, it's even later now, and I was exhausted before this day even started.  Better try another pill to slow the spasms and try for some sleep. Wish me luck & know that my dear ones are the shiny thing that's getting me through the day.  So thanks for being there.  My love & my thanks to you.  You're the thing that's keeping hope in my heart & peace at the core of my soul.  This too shall pass.
~m

A visit with Dad.

So those of you who know me well know that every now & then I get to visit with my Dad.  It's rarer lately than it used to be.  I don't know if it's happening less often, or if I just don't need to remember it as much.  But today was a very clear vivid situation & I'm going to take a moment to share.

Today turned out to be high stress for me.  I turned in the "official" workplace incident form for my black ice incident this morning & was immediately packed off to the workers comp doc by risk management.  Spent 2 hours waiting there for the one doctor on duty to see me.  She basically backed up my claim which isn't what risk management wanted to hear so they snapped my head off when I called them as requested after the visit.  It's not exactly my personality to snap back, but this lady was unpleasant when I was trying to be professional.  I know it's her job to keep the college from getting sued, but if there had been proper snow/ice management then I wouldn't be in severe pain right now & my recovery from surgery wouldn't be set back several weeks & I wouldn't have to pack around Lynn's walker.  But water under the bridge, it does no good to be upset I just need to accept what is & move on.

Anyhow, after I got home tonight I ate my lunch/dinner with Oscar (he really likes sesame chicken with rice & broccoli) took some pain meds & a muscle relaxer, and laid down to sleep for a couple hours in hopes of the pain backing off.  Scott promised to wake me up up before too long so I could get my hair washed and some laundry done before bed time.  While I was asleep I must have strayed into deep rem sleep because I found myself standing on the edge of a red sandstone bluff looking down at the breakaway anchored in a familiar cove.  The scrap book I kept as a teen was in my hands, and I was looking at memories (none that I remember scrapping, just that the book was a way of mentally displaying the memories).  Looking down at the boat I knew that if I walked down there dad would be sitting on the front deck in his favorite green tshirt & watching the morning sun on the water.  I walked down there, enjoying the quiet & peace of the memory & when I stepped up to the railing there he was.  Mom was there next to him asleep & we just sat together for a bit. Can't remember exactly what we said, but I remember he kept patting my hand & patting mom's shoulder as she slept.  I suddnely knew that Scott was coming to wake me up and I would have to go soon.  I didn't want to leave but had a strong impression that I could come back and find him there again soon.  I turned to dad and said "I'm sleeping now."  He nodded his head to mom & said "So is she."  & then my dear husband woke me up as promised.  It was so nice to just sit with  Dad in the quiet & think about nothing.  I know that was the whole point of the visit.  To find some calm when I desperately needed it.  & I woke up with tears running down my face, but so much more at peace in my core than I have been for a while.

I know that everyone who reads this will interpret this description in their own way & don't seek to convert or preach anything.  I simply wanted to share a beautiful moment of calm & love with those of you who might need it as much as I did.  I really hope I get to go back soon and spend a few more moments sitting with my dad enjoying just being.

Live long & prosper.
~m

Exhausted.

This first week back at work and working in the new location has been a bit demanding.  I am several steps beyond tired.  Our dear Lynn had to put Buddy down after the ultrasound showed tumors.  It was a terrible decision to have to make & I'm so sorry she had to go there.  But she's a strong woman and weathers her storms with dignity.  I hate to even mention the comparatively trivial details of my life after watching her loose such a companion.  Nothing happened that I had any choice in, I did nothing very admirable, a year from now there will not likely be any reason to recall it.  So I'm just gonna save that time, admit that I'm plain ol beat & just share light & love with those of you who I write this blog for.  There are ups and downs & everything in it's season.  I plan to spend the weekend resting and trying to catch up on things that I've had to neglect the last while.  Unless something noteworthy or comical comes along it will likely be into next week before I post again.

Live long and prosper my dear ones.
~m

Back to the salt mine!

Started back to the latest version of my job...on 2 hours of sleep... caught some sort of tummy bug this weekend and was still in the throws of it all night long.  At 3am I woke out of the shallow semblance of sleep I'd been fitfully maintaining & proceeded with the tossing turning, until 6am when I gave up and went to buy a thermometer in order to determine rather I dared do my first day back at work.

The first 2 stores I tried were closed...so I ended up at Harmons with a a bag full of vitamins, cough drops, cold medicine, lysol, and a thermometer.  They did not stop me to visit.

Wasn't running a fever so I dosed up and decided I was gonna make 4 hours of high intensity training work.  & mostly I did.  Not sure it was the best foot to start out on, but it was better than calling in sick. 
 
Having 14 advisers to keep track of may actually turn out to be less stress on average than haveing 2 has been.  I am not expected to keep track of as many details for each individual.  I see a big difference in how I can help the health science students compared everyone else, but I'll get there fast & once I do I can see this being just as much fun as Jordan was.  I'll very much miss having the health sci admissions gals to back me up though.  My new location doesn't have much in the way of immediate backup.

After my shift today I stopped for one of the major perks of my new location.  Lynn's office is between me & the closest parking!  I really enjoy visiting with her, and having that resource is invaluable.  She keeps alluding to retiring & I'm gonna have to buy her a cell phone to keep that line open!  She's got a sick puppy right now, is doing all the responsible good things to take care of him & is still facing possible loss.  It's a horrible place to be & I wish I could do more than wish and pray for her & her boy.  She loves her fur children as much as I do mine & has done more than her share to take care of them.  It's so hard to watch them age & suffer and weigh the balance of comfort/suffering for them.  We want to keep them close & hate to watch them hurt.  I really hope the ultrasound tomorrow shows something that is mendable to make him comfy.

After that visit I stopped at Arctic Circle for a Banana Caramel Shake (my cousin Austin was a very evil child & got me hooked on these this summer) & a few 79 cent corn dogs.  I then stopped at the flower shop & had the first lunch buddy lunch I've had since leaving the flower shop. Adda sat down with me and filled me in on everything I've missed since Feb 14 (we don't say that word since it's a swear).  They are still recovering but have mostly caught up and are getting set to make 12 bridal bouquets tomorrow for KSL's "Leap of Faith" wedding event.  Depending on how things go there & how much "umph" I've got to go around I may stop over and help out a bit.

I feel much better tonight than last and hope to get some actual sleep here soon.

Live long & prosper.
~m

I get down, I get up.

My recent posts have been a bit low.  I'm sorry.  I do not write this blog to share the sob story of my life.  I don't consider myself to have one.  I've just been going through a low spot & it's showing.  I am not depressed, I'm mostly stressed.  I tend to process through talking it through, and I haven't dumped this one on my mom, Scott, Judy, or Lynn.  It's landing in my blog.  That's pretty unusual so I'm not gonna focus too much on it.

Perhaps one of the reasons I'm focusing on my blog is that recently my dear friend Judy lost hers.  Somehow and update erased 6 years of chipper, informative, and for some of us essential information.  That has been traumatic for her, and perhaps also for me.  I enjoy & look forward to seeing what they're up to, and knowing the details without being intrusive.  I know I could easily phone or text & be up to date, but it's not what I'm used to & I guess I've become spoiled.  So I'm over sharing a bit.  I'll try to get over it.

Made Oreo truffles the other day.  YUM!  and EASY!
mix one bag oreos with one block cream cheese in food processor
cool mix till stable to hold on ball shape
ball up
dip in white/milk chocolate *I used a double boiler & a mix of wfalmond bark & guitard & bakers white choc)
set on wax paper (I used mini muffin cups since I wanted them to be easy to share)
if desired sprinkle with a dash of pulverized oreo cookie (I made this in the food pro by peeling the cookie side of a few of the oreos before putting in the cream chs & the remaining cookies & filling)*
let set
SHARE

try to eat just one...I dare ya.

My cousin Emily shared these with me at a party & though I do not usually do sugar bombs the idea stuck & bloomed.  Call it a new leas on life. I enjoyed making, eating & sharing them.  In fact I think there's a few more out in the garage (my walk in cooler for the moment).

Live long & prosper.
~m

Been busy.

Getting myself into a head space where I could clean out my desk at Jordan was as difficult mentally as figuring out how to pee while laying in bed when I was in the hospital.  Possible TMI but....deal...I'd say "dare ya to try" but without the trained medical staff it's prolly a bad idea.  I just didn't know that "rotation" was part of that job.  Apparently it is, and I don't get a say.  So I'm reassembling my perceptions & girding myself up to go into this new adventure with a positive attitude.  I will dearly miss the people who have been so helpful & essential to me for the last 5 months, but at least until June I get to see some of them for 9 hours a week.  Working at Redwood campus is going to give me all sorts of new opportunities & I openly admit that I'm more than a little intimidated by the scope of things.  But I felt the same way at Jordan when I started, sure that I was somehow going to screw up everything because I wasn't sure exactly what was expected.  I shall weather this too & learn to be good at it.

I suppose the added strain of not knowing exactly how much I can do before I give out is an additional strain.  Lately every "normal" thing I try to do results in me arriving home afterward and falling into bed exhausted regardless of whatever else I needed to do.  I get SO tired So easily.  The few things I've attempted lately have been very rewarding in that I haven't done ANYTHING in weeks and ABSOLUTELY EXHAUSTING.  I hope stamina builds back as quickly as I've lost it.

I'm definitely better off than I would have been without the surgery.  The headaches I was having those last few days, and the pain I was experiencing combined with the scar tissue they found on the spinal sheath & the spinal fluid leak they couldn't locate during surgery lead me to believe that I tore the sheath on my own and was leaking fluid those last few days.  There is no way of measuring what calamity I'd have found had I not been already scheduled for surgery.

******what follows here has made me cry twice reading over it, guess I'm sharing my learning process & being a bit weepy, don't read on if that kind of stuff bugs ya.  I promise not to go here very often******

So I'm taking my punches & trying to find the rainbow.  It ain't all that hard when I stand up and move without pain (that is when I haven't over done it).  But I'm really so much better off than I have been for years.
I know what's wrong:     Those 4 MRI scans were totally worth the mental anguish & however much my insurance paid for them!
I have a spine specialist I trust:    Doc Nathan is aware of everything I'm dealing with spine wise & is treating me.
I have a GP I trust:     Despite my sour grapes with West Jordan Medical, Doc Mikesell has my trust.
I CAN WALK:     Yep, that's a pretty take for granted thing, but it's praiseworthy when you've been without..
There ARE moments when I am pain free:     That's been a while!
I have options for pain relief, and I've gotten damn good at managing it:  Begin 3 week countdown to hot tub time HERE.

I'm not planning marathons, and taking pilates classes just yet...I'm walking, I'm LIVING.  I can not convey in words how VERY thankful I am for that.  I have been fighting this invisible monster for 14 years.  I now not only know what it is, I have an attack plan & am finishing the first battle.  Damn that silly ladder accident 14 years ago. It changed EVERYTHING!  But I can't change that, I can move on....FINALLY.

 I'm not even sure I would change that...it's a strange thing to contemplate.  The decisions forced on me by that event have been so much a part of getting to where I am, & I like it here.  I'm at a place where I'm really at peace with me.  There's no price to put on that & I wouldn't trade it.  It could have been easier along the way, but I wouldn't have learned the things I have.  I could list off the adventures, but those of you who watched & helped along the journey know what they were, and rehashing them doesn't hold much value.  So I'm gonna keep glossing them over, they're easier to carry that way.

I've been missing my dad this week.  Not like the normal days when I say to myself "sure wish I could ask Dad what he thinks" but the more heart wrenching kind where I KNOW he'd be better at making this decision than I am.  There's so much going on, and I'm so overwhelmed & he always knew what kind of head pats I needed & he was so good at helping me find the information that would be pertinent to the decision I'm making.  Just the rumble of his voice at my shoulder (don't know how many of you ever got the "come sit by me" treatment with him, but even when it was the last thing I wanted to do it was the thing I needed) or over the phone was enough to help me step up to so many things.  I miss that, but more I miss him.  There's a thousand ways to justify why he's elsewhere and what he's up to these days but sometimes I just have to sit down & do some missing. He had big strong hands. I picture rock man here from never ending story, and then remember all the hours of sacrament meetings gone by that I spent tracing the scars & creases of those hands, I knew so many of  the stories they told.  So many of them were from stories that included his dear ones, the people he loved and helped, and sometimes got banged up in the process.  To this day I catch myself when sitting quietly with an idle mind contemplating my scars & the stories that they tell.  This most recent one on my back has a much longer, deeper tale than most.

Okay, done.  I'm gonna sign off & lay down, been sitting too long.  Love to all those who read on this far.  & more to those who've teared up in the process.  I'll find something shiny to share soon & promise no more tears.

Live long & prosper.

~m

at the time I disliked the way my name skews what was meant to be shared with all who visit.  But just now, I'm recalling that "love ya daughter" were his last words to me & I'm ok with it all.

Changes

Wednesday I found out that I won't be going back to my job as secretary for advising at Jordan.  That news was very upsetting & scary.  I have REALLY LOVED that job, and like the atmosphere & people I get to work with out there.  But I turns out I don't really get a vote on this change, so I just better be optimistic about the new opportunities and challenges that working in the redwood office brings.  The first and most dreadful one of those challenges being a 7:45am start.  Blehk!  I am not a morning person!

Yesterday Mom & Glenn came down.  We went to our favorite chinese buffet & then the annual RV show.  Mom brought her 2 wheelchairs, and the 4 of us took turns gimping around.  As always there were lots of things that caught our eye, and lots of food for thought.  Mom & Glenn saw several things that gave them ideas for their concession trailer.  Scott and I saw a couple 5th wheel trailers that line up with things we've liked before.  There was also a trailer much like the one we fell in love with while in Quartzsite this last visit.  We still prefer that to most of the other options we've looked at.

This post has been left open on my computer for two days, I'm not sure where I was headed with my narrative.  Therefor I'm just going to tie it up & post it as is.  I'm hoping to make a batch of Oreo bon bons this afternoon & I need to do some recipe research.

Y'all take care.
~m