I'm adamant about not talking politics, and when pinned down on religious views I would rather walk away than answer. But apparently there is one social taboo that I am absolutely confident expressing an opinion on. Discrimination. Why the hell do some people choose to base their whole association with the world on the color of someone's skin or hair, the shape of their eyes or nose, the way they vote, or where they go to church? It's absolutely terrifying to me that some folks are that short sighted.
So I'm up on my soap box, beating my war drum and opening the flood gates of dispute. Well for the 3 people that read this blog I am anyhow.
Yes I grew up more sheltered than most folks I know. It was a small town and I don't remember too many kids at the school being any demographic other than the one I came from...but I like to think that it wouldn't have mattered to me. It certainly doesn't matter now. I mean if I see an Asian guy rob a store with a switchblade I'm gonna put that in the police report just like I'd tell them what color car he drove. We can't help seeing our differences, but we don't have to let them be boundaries.
Earlier today I had a wonderful conversation with a colleague who started in Columbia and for entirely unknown reasons now lives in Utah & fixes computers in my office. We discussed books, the weather and several other topics while waiting for the machines to do their thing. During this conversation she expressed delight that I could understand her (her accent was strong, but with a bit of patience on both sides we had no problem communicating).
While talking books she asked if I ever read anything in Spanish...I had to remind myself that months ago when we first met (she was headed to a job interview and I gave directions) She asked in Spanish I answered in English. I explained to her that I've only had basic Latin from high school which allows me to guess at the meaning but I'm not able to speak or read Spanish. She laughed at this and told me that's the same problem she has reading books in English, there are just too many details that don't come through when you don't think in that language.
I have had similar conversations with folks from many cultures (my collection of personalities is expanding delightfully). Far too often I see these same people being ignored, talked down to, or criticized as unintelligent by folks who aught to look to them as examples. It takes bravery to move into and try to learn (I will not defend those who move to Utah and then throw me an attitude when I don't greet them in their native tongue) all the social customs of an entirely new society.
So that's one perspective I admire, appreciate, and love. I probably ought to stop there...if I wander into politics and religion I may just alienate what few readers I have and I love you all too much to do that.
Rant over.
Peace, love, and laughter.
~m
my life as a florist, camper, crazy cat person, individual
Friday, November 30, 2012
Sunday, November 25, 2012
The Smoke in the Willows...
Oh how I have missed this tradition, without really being able to pin down what I was missing. I can now emphatically say "IT WAS THIS!" After Dad died I was a bit heart sick and reluctant to attend, knowing that it would just not be the same without him hollering "OOOOHHHHLLLLLOOOOUUUUU" and employing his famous tree tarping technique.
Then I wasn't physically up for the project. Oh bother. Enough said. Glad that's over.
Thankfully my HFUN family has been keeping up and adding to the tradition all these years and welcomed me to return to the festivities. They've modified the techniques a bit. It's WeeeeeeeeeRt instead of Oh Lou (though most of them would still recognize it and call back, some with tears in their eyes) and with so many pickups in the family and a much shorter haul to home the tarp bundle is optional. When possible a campfire is included to keep the non hikers busy and provide a warm rest before the trip home. But the intent is still the same.
We arrived a touch late to the party having planned on Hillyard standard time, but were able to follow Eric's ford in...thank goodness. While I am roughly familiar with the back roads and canyons of cache valley I would probably not have found this exact spot without GPS directions. Sorta reminded me of the spots Uncle Jim used to guide us in to for those first oh so memorable tree hunting trips.
Jamie and Dallas had the beginnings of a fire going and I was glad to add the few sticks of hardwood I'd brought from our back yard to the mix. The tree hunters took off in groups (each with a saw) and the rest of us settled in to enjoy the mild sunny day. It was some time after this that I realized the deadwood we were pulling our firewood from was willow. I am not fond of willow.
While hosting Willows campground I learned that while it is possible to burn willow wood, it's not fun and it NEVER smells good. Add to that frozen sometimes damp wood conditions and...well you can imagine the smoke plumes. If they couldn't hear us they could certainly smell their way back to the trucks.
But even when I was cowering form the circling smoke it was fun. After all if every fire was perfect and every day was sunny we'd never know how lucky we were to enjoy the nice ones.
Once the trees were all gathered in we all stood around fire and enjoyed what was finally an awesome coal bed. I suppose that the star valley tree hunts had this portion of the tradition during the night before when we would stay at the Keeleys' and then after when we would stop on the way home for a burger. But it's just as much a part of the tradition as Mum and I counting the homes with their lights on on the way home in order to meet Dad's selected goal number in order to turn our own house lights on. Like I said before, these are some of the best and brightest memories of my childhood. The group moved on to Big J's in Richmond. Underwhelmed by the food, but the ice cream was worth a visit. I had a Banana Caramel shake and stole a taste of Mum's Strawberry Marshmallow. From there a few of us stopped in at the Christensen Ranchette for a brief visit. I love my visits out there and always feel reluctant to leave.
At the end of this day I find myself full of satisfaction. I NEEDED that. Didn't know it, but it's part of who I am. Gonna go find some twinkle lights to plug in. Thanks family.
Y'all enjoy the season, whatever your reason.
~m
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Killing Time
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
The Other Shoe
I've not posted for a while partly because of stress and mostly because my attitude has been terrible. I've been keeping myself busy with one thing or another but mostly just getting by. The majority of my stress has been from work. I've been doing 2 peoples jobs with no recognition or resolution of the issue pretty much ever since I came back from my back surgery in February. I've been applying for other positions steadily for a month, but knew that the hiring process at the college is slow & that I needed to be patient. Yesterday I had an interview for a reception position in the office of the Dean for Health Sciences. I knew it would be a fussy position but was familiar with the people and felt that even with the known challenges that position would be an improvement from the stress level I have been forced to keep up with in advising at Redwood. The interview went well (I felt) and I wasn't putting too much effort into worrying about the results one way or the other. This morning when I checked my work email I had a couple messages from the Shannon who I worked for recently in Health Science Admissions. She had a position opening up soon at Miller campus and wanted to know if I was interested. I was...
A while later I got a phone call from the deans office asking me to come in for a 2nd interview with the dean and division chair, we scheduled it for Thursday & I was excited.
Another while later I got another email from Shannon including a schedule & asking if I could start on the 9th....when it rains it pours. At 7:30 this morning when I was dragging myself into the office, prepared for another day of not being able to give the quality of customer service I'd like to give due to the quantity of students demanding it, I had no idea that I was going to have this awesome of a day. So here I am, 9 hours later having accepted the new offer, turned down the 2nd interview, and given my notice to Advising. Whew!
Things happen for a reason. I say that repetitively, but it really is true. I have been seeking a change and preparing for a move & now when I need it most; Ta da! Choices. I am so relieved just having made these decisions and acted on them. To have this job literally fall into my lap like this when I was so ambivalent about the other jobs I've applied for was so perfect. I will be good at this, and I know I'll get the training I need to feel confident doing it.
So from no updates to a BIG change here ya go. I promise it won't be months before I post again ;)
Live Long & Prosper
~m
A while later I got a phone call from the deans office asking me to come in for a 2nd interview with the dean and division chair, we scheduled it for Thursday & I was excited.
Another while later I got another email from Shannon including a schedule & asking if I could start on the 9th....when it rains it pours. At 7:30 this morning when I was dragging myself into the office, prepared for another day of not being able to give the quality of customer service I'd like to give due to the quantity of students demanding it, I had no idea that I was going to have this awesome of a day. So here I am, 9 hours later having accepted the new offer, turned down the 2nd interview, and given my notice to Advising. Whew!
Things happen for a reason. I say that repetitively, but it really is true. I have been seeking a change and preparing for a move & now when I need it most; Ta da! Choices. I am so relieved just having made these decisions and acted on them. To have this job literally fall into my lap like this when I was so ambivalent about the other jobs I've applied for was so perfect. I will be good at this, and I know I'll get the training I need to feel confident doing it.
So from no updates to a BIG change here ya go. I promise it won't be months before I post again ;)
Live Long & Prosper
~m
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
What if...?
Maybe I'm not a florist anymore, maybe Mom isn't either....wow.
That's been so much a part of who we both are that I don't quite know if either of us is gonna be ok.
Work's as demanding as ever, less predictable than ever, and yet, more of the same. Guess I'm not bad at it, and they probably won't fire me. Other than that I really don't have a steady idea of what's going on. They proved a while ago that they have zero loyalty to me, and going to work with that looming is not my favorite. But it's better than the other immediate options so here we go.
Looking forward to another horse pull this weekend and working for the concession stand. Last weekend went pretty swell.
Burnt out tired and plain ol' sleepy.
Live long & prosper.
~m
That's been so much a part of who we both are that I don't quite know if either of us is gonna be ok.
Work's as demanding as ever, less predictable than ever, and yet, more of the same. Guess I'm not bad at it, and they probably won't fire me. Other than that I really don't have a steady idea of what's going on. They proved a while ago that they have zero loyalty to me, and going to work with that looming is not my favorite. But it's better than the other immediate options so here we go.
Looking forward to another horse pull this weekend and working for the concession stand. Last weekend went pretty swell.
Burnt out tired and plain ol' sleepy.
Live long & prosper.
~m
Friday, May 4, 2012
Busy Busy
Sorry to be a bad blogger, but I've been under the weather & more than a little busy. We hauled north last weekend to visit with Mom & Glenn about the wiring for their concession trailer. It's really coming together nicely & will be ready to open before we know it.
Oscar's nesting big time, last night I spent 20 minutes picking up and handing him chopsticks he'd dropped on the floor so he could add them into his nest one at a time. He's getting better and better at weaving. We brought him home some apple branches from Lynn's house & he's grooving on all the twists and forks he has to weave into. He tears the whole thing apart most days and has it re built to sleep in by bedtime. He's a pretty cute baby when he wears himself out weaving all day. By the time I get home from work & he comes out into the living room to socialize he's far quieter and less prone to biting. This is good since the cats' favorite drinking dish is also Oscar's bathtub & they stick their heads into the bite zone quite frequently to steal a sip of bird flavored water.
So for my birthday this year we're all going to be working the food stand at Forster Acres. Should be an interesting new adventure for us all. I have to get my food handlers permit this weekend.
I'm driving to Cache valley with my camera tomorrow, hopefully get a few good pics, spend some time at the cemetery, and have a good visit with family. There's a whole list of minor errands I need to take care of, and this is the only day I have to take care of them.
Work has been a strange combination of slow and panicked. Finals were this week and while this is a relief for some students it's a kick in the pants for others. Suddenly they realize they have a problem they're motivated to fix it. I find myself frequently chanting "Their lack of planning is not my emergency" I do what I can to help, but there are situations where they've just neglected the problem for too long & it is going to be a bit tragic. I hate the stress but I'm learning to let go of it once I've done all I can.
So excited for our vacation over Memorial Day. It's been way too long since I had a good camping relaxing trip. Even though it's full hook ups and not "really" camping it's gonna be a big change from every day.
Poor Scotty has been pushing hard to catch up with the yard work and get out driveway ready to host the concession trailer whilst he's wiring it. Even though I feel like a whole new person since my surgery I still find there many times a day when I realize I'm still more fragile than I'd like to be. But even that is slowly improving.
Back to work, I'm so glad it's Friday!
Live Long & Prosper!
~m
Oscar's nesting big time, last night I spent 20 minutes picking up and handing him chopsticks he'd dropped on the floor so he could add them into his nest one at a time. He's getting better and better at weaving. We brought him home some apple branches from Lynn's house & he's grooving on all the twists and forks he has to weave into. He tears the whole thing apart most days and has it re built to sleep in by bedtime. He's a pretty cute baby when he wears himself out weaving all day. By the time I get home from work & he comes out into the living room to socialize he's far quieter and less prone to biting. This is good since the cats' favorite drinking dish is also Oscar's bathtub & they stick their heads into the bite zone quite frequently to steal a sip of bird flavored water.
So for my birthday this year we're all going to be working the food stand at Forster Acres. Should be an interesting new adventure for us all. I have to get my food handlers permit this weekend.
I'm driving to Cache valley with my camera tomorrow, hopefully get a few good pics, spend some time at the cemetery, and have a good visit with family. There's a whole list of minor errands I need to take care of, and this is the only day I have to take care of them.
Work has been a strange combination of slow and panicked. Finals were this week and while this is a relief for some students it's a kick in the pants for others. Suddenly they realize they have a problem they're motivated to fix it. I find myself frequently chanting "Their lack of planning is not my emergency" I do what I can to help, but there are situations where they've just neglected the problem for too long & it is going to be a bit tragic. I hate the stress but I'm learning to let go of it once I've done all I can.
So excited for our vacation over Memorial Day. It's been way too long since I had a good camping relaxing trip. Even though it's full hook ups and not "really" camping it's gonna be a big change from every day.
Poor Scotty has been pushing hard to catch up with the yard work and get out driveway ready to host the concession trailer whilst he's wiring it. Even though I feel like a whole new person since my surgery I still find there many times a day when I realize I'm still more fragile than I'd like to be. But even that is slowly improving.
Back to work, I'm so glad it's Friday!
Live Long & Prosper!
~m
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Indescribable
So this morning on the phone at work a student tried to verify that I was the person she'd met in person. She couldn't decide how to describe me.
Her: "I think you helped me the other day, do you have long dark hair?"
Me: "Yes, rainbow dark"
Her: "Ha, ha ha, ya it was you."
5 minutes later she was certain I had been the one to help her when I explained that we needed her to come in in person with a photo id so that we could make sure it was her were giving her information to rather than her stalker.
Apparently I am somewhat unusual. I rarely think about myself in those terms. I put little effort into conforming, nor into being an enigma. I'm just me. Apparently that's unusual.
Anyhow, this little window into my daily life is sponsored by the letter "F".
Y'all have a fabulous day.
~m
Her: "I think you helped me the other day, do you have long dark hair?"
Me: "Yes, rainbow dark"
Her: "Ha, ha ha, ya it was you."
5 minutes later she was certain I had been the one to help her when I explained that we needed her to come in in person with a photo id so that we could make sure it was her were giving her information to rather than her stalker.
Apparently I am somewhat unusual. I rarely think about myself in those terms. I put little effort into conforming, nor into being an enigma. I'm just me. Apparently that's unusual.
Anyhow, this little window into my daily life is sponsored by the letter "F".
Y'all have a fabulous day.
~m
Monday, April 16, 2012
Awesome Weekend!
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| Willis helping me watch Eric pull with his team. Note: I did not use any zoom or cropping on this shot. He was literally standing on top of me. |
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| Bruce & Bell taking us for a ride. |
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| Rose, Willis, Eric, Bruce, Bell, and Tater playing follow the leader. |
And last but no no stretch least the saddle my favorite rodeo queen won at the Pocatello queening contest. She's been training for this for the last 14 years and we're all so proud to have "taught her everything we know" I love this kid, and it's so fun to see her so excited & proud of herself.
I didn't get photo's of the other cool thing I saw this weekend. Mom & Glenn have the foundation of their trailer finished & are ready to begin the assembly of what they've already built and remodeled several times in their heads. It's great to see them both so excited and proud of this project together. I think it's going to be an amazing, fun, exhausting, and rewarding experience.
Had a pretty good day at work today, the expected craziness of rush, and running the desk by myself for the first part of the day, but I'm getting used to that. Lynn's back to work after her eye surgery last week. It's technicolor awesome! She's so positive and strong. We're all glad she can see again.
I'm off to do some dishes & locate some sort of dinner.
Live long & prosper!
~m
Saturday, April 7, 2012
More of the same.
I honestly regret that my life is so simple. I work, I sleep, I manage the pain to the best of my ability, and each day I'm a little stronger. It's boring as hell! But when I consider the options it's hard to be upset. I did have a fairly fabulous week. It was the beginning of "rush" and I handled my fair share of the occupational stress plus some, but I also got to share some creative talent with my new "work family" and that wasn't bad.
Also Chris came by for a short visit today, I still love that kid.
The brown kitties are cuter than ever, playing and socializing. Even Oscar takes joy in watching their antics.
I've had some really good chat time with Mom today. She walked familiar roads in Smithfield while we talked. I wish I could have been there with her, but since I can't I'll happily take being there in spirit. I really enjoy those moments.
Kitties are staging battle, and Scott's making amazing smells in the kitchen. I must go.
~live long & prosper~m
Also Chris came by for a short visit today, I still love that kid.
The brown kitties are cuter than ever, playing and socializing. Even Oscar takes joy in watching their antics.
I've had some really good chat time with Mom today. She walked familiar roads in Smithfield while we talked. I wish I could have been there with her, but since I can't I'll happily take being there in spirit. I really enjoy those moments.
Kitties are staging battle, and Scott's making amazing smells in the kitchen. I must go.
~live long & prosper~m
Friday, March 30, 2012
Fabulous Friday
This week got off to a rough start but ended on a lovely note. It's a beautiful day, due to circumstances beyond my control I got off work early, and Oscar & I are hangin in the living room with the windows open watching the kitties while they watch the birds through the screen.
I got to do some really fun flower arranging last night. Thonette from DWF (one of my favorite floral wholesale places) needed help making a carnation puppy & I got to help. It turned out super cute & I had a lot of fun putting it together.
This was for the funeral of a gentleman who bred, raised, and loved miniature black poodles. He also loved spring flowers & the color pink. I think it works perfectly for the situation.
I took the leftover flowers that Thonette gave me to work today and have quite probably open a can of worms. I am now under contract to put together Easter centerpieces for several people I work with. Not that I'm really very upset about it. I still love arranging and now that it's only my "hobby" again it's relaxing.
Yahzi's being pretty adorable as he watches his favorite "smellavision" channel. Gonna sign off and try to get some pictures.
Live Long & Prosper.
~m
I got to do some really fun flower arranging last night. Thonette from DWF (one of my favorite floral wholesale places) needed help making a carnation puppy & I got to help. It turned out super cute & I had a lot of fun putting it together.
This was for the funeral of a gentleman who bred, raised, and loved miniature black poodles. He also loved spring flowers & the color pink. I think it works perfectly for the situation.
I took the leftover flowers that Thonette gave me to work today and have quite probably open a can of worms. I am now under contract to put together Easter centerpieces for several people I work with. Not that I'm really very upset about it. I still love arranging and now that it's only my "hobby" again it's relaxing.
Yahzi's being pretty adorable as he watches his favorite "smellavision" channel. Gonna sign off and try to get some pictures.
Live Long & Prosper.
~m
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
WoooooHoooooo
Been doin' a whole lot of nothin'. I go to work before any sane person should be awake, I work my shift, go out to Jordan for a few hours if I'm lucky, and then come home to lay down & force myself to stay there way beyond the point where it becomes boring. Frustrating as that routine is it seems to be the right balance for the time being. I can do a little bit more each day.
The stress at work has not decreased, but I am becoming more and more able to ignore what I can not control. It is by no means a healthy or happy environment, but it's far from the worst I've ever been in. At least I am able to do my best while I'm there & leave the stress there when I exit.
Watching star trek from beginning to end has become my distraction of the moment. It's interesting....and proves that I am a geek. But Scott is able to identify and name the episodes from brief clips as I go through them. It's a bit of comfort to be not as much a geek as him.
Gonna go watch more corny next generation episodes.
Live long & prosper.
~m
The stress at work has not decreased, but I am becoming more and more able to ignore what I can not control. It is by no means a healthy or happy environment, but it's far from the worst I've ever been in. At least I am able to do my best while I'm there & leave the stress there when I exit.
Watching star trek from beginning to end has become my distraction of the moment. It's interesting....and proves that I am a geek. But Scott is able to identify and name the episodes from brief clips as I go through them. It's a bit of comfort to be not as much a geek as him.
Gonna go watch more corny next generation episodes.
Live long & prosper.
~m
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Need some Zen
From Friday:
I haven't been at all close to my best this week. Breaking in new shoes & overcooked pasta are just 2 of the things that have brought me to tears. I'm pretty certain that's not at all normal! I'm hoping it's just a combination of several things that have been not right for a long while. I think I've run out of coping mechanisms. I am working on determining my options.
Not much to report beyond that. More of the same. Enjoying my nearly daily visits with Lynn. Figuratively jumping the many hurdles of daily life.
The new job is still far from what I loved at Jordan campus. I'm learning more and more of the rhythm of things at Redwood, but I really miss the "family" for lack of a better word that had formed at Jordan where I felt like there was nearly always someone who might correct or assist me. I know this stress is partially due to my own stress & unhappiness with the change. I'm hoping that with time I can settle in, be more comfortable with the people & experiences there.
I'm also having a bit of a time adjusting to the different pain I'm experiencing now that I'm not dealing with the strong nerve pain. Where before all of the pain went into the same box labeled "ignore"I was dangerously good at managing it, now there's subtle bone aches, sharp spasms, and this really strange sensation I believe is called hunger when I forget to eat. It is by no means anything I would trade. I'm just not used to these new identifiable single notes of discomfort yet. I am so much weaker than I'm used to and tasks that I could manage even with the piercing pain are often too much & have to be abandoned or beg for help. I'm really glad to have Lynn's walker way more often than I'd like to admit. Doesn't help that I am less patient with myself than I am with others, & I've never been one to win any award for any sort of patience.
I am just a tiny corner of this awesome world, and previously my solace has been focusing on the bright beautiful & precious wherever I could find it. That's a bit of a revelation actually. I must not be focusing where I used to find solace. Therefore I must be being more selfish. That's one to think on.
And to attempt a bit of focus change, lets try a list.
Today when I saw my primary doctor for the first time in 3 months, my guts & my spine feel amazingly different. Since my last visit with him, my bp is reasonable. Even when I've had a high stress day, haven't taken my meds or eaten yet, just left a not un-stressful visit with my friends at Jordan, and dealt with the office staff at West Jordan Medical who never fail to piss me off.
The doc was happy with what he see's optimistic about my physical state, and helpful with my mental state.
Today was Friday & I don't have to go back to that awful place that is now my job until Monday. To be fair it's not as awful as many other places, I am only spoiled by the unique and much cherished situation I had at Jordan. I really wonder if part of my frustration with this move is really disappointment at loosing something that I loved so much. It will never be true that I didn't appreciate that job. Even before things shifted I knew what a great thing I had. I can only make peace & move on. It doesn't help that I'm still sort of in limbo between the two worlds. It is both a pain & a comfort to go out to Jordan, see all those people, taste the unique charms of that place & job even for a few hours each week. I waffle between the rip of the bandaid quickly theory & savoring the remains of something sweet.
Sunday evening:
Sorry for the break in my post, had to stop suddenly & didn't' get back to the blog again till tonight. It's been a crazy sort of weekend. Not exactly busy, but not at all slow. Wish it was 3 days longer. The rest has done me good.
Yesterday Scott cooked corned beef & cul cannon (no idea how to spell that, it's a veggie potato dish). All was delish!
Weather's been hit and miss big storm system moving through. I think I'm ready for spring. Hope I build back enough strength to go motorcycling & camping before too long.
Yahzi says I have to skritch him & help him watch birds now. Just as well, I'm out of anything intelligent to say.
Live long & prosper.
~m
I haven't been at all close to my best this week. Breaking in new shoes & overcooked pasta are just 2 of the things that have brought me to tears. I'm pretty certain that's not at all normal! I'm hoping it's just a combination of several things that have been not right for a long while. I think I've run out of coping mechanisms. I am working on determining my options.
Not much to report beyond that. More of the same. Enjoying my nearly daily visits with Lynn. Figuratively jumping the many hurdles of daily life.
The new job is still far from what I loved at Jordan campus. I'm learning more and more of the rhythm of things at Redwood, but I really miss the "family" for lack of a better word that had formed at Jordan where I felt like there was nearly always someone who might correct or assist me. I know this stress is partially due to my own stress & unhappiness with the change. I'm hoping that with time I can settle in, be more comfortable with the people & experiences there.
I'm also having a bit of a time adjusting to the different pain I'm experiencing now that I'm not dealing with the strong nerve pain. Where before all of the pain went into the same box labeled "ignore"I was dangerously good at managing it, now there's subtle bone aches, sharp spasms, and this really strange sensation I believe is called hunger when I forget to eat. It is by no means anything I would trade. I'm just not used to these new identifiable single notes of discomfort yet. I am so much weaker than I'm used to and tasks that I could manage even with the piercing pain are often too much & have to be abandoned or beg for help. I'm really glad to have Lynn's walker way more often than I'd like to admit. Doesn't help that I am less patient with myself than I am with others, & I've never been one to win any award for any sort of patience.
I am just a tiny corner of this awesome world, and previously my solace has been focusing on the bright beautiful & precious wherever I could find it. That's a bit of a revelation actually. I must not be focusing where I used to find solace. Therefore I must be being more selfish. That's one to think on.
And to attempt a bit of focus change, lets try a list.
Today when I saw my primary doctor for the first time in 3 months, my guts & my spine feel amazingly different. Since my last visit with him, my bp is reasonable. Even when I've had a high stress day, haven't taken my meds or eaten yet, just left a not un-stressful visit with my friends at Jordan, and dealt with the office staff at West Jordan Medical who never fail to piss me off.
The doc was happy with what he see's optimistic about my physical state, and helpful with my mental state.
Today was Friday & I don't have to go back to that awful place that is now my job until Monday. To be fair it's not as awful as many other places, I am only spoiled by the unique and much cherished situation I had at Jordan. I really wonder if part of my frustration with this move is really disappointment at loosing something that I loved so much. It will never be true that I didn't appreciate that job. Even before things shifted I knew what a great thing I had. I can only make peace & move on. It doesn't help that I'm still sort of in limbo between the two worlds. It is both a pain & a comfort to go out to Jordan, see all those people, taste the unique charms of that place & job even for a few hours each week. I waffle between the rip of the bandaid quickly theory & savoring the remains of something sweet.
Sunday evening:
Sorry for the break in my post, had to stop suddenly & didn't' get back to the blog again till tonight. It's been a crazy sort of weekend. Not exactly busy, but not at all slow. Wish it was 3 days longer. The rest has done me good.
Yesterday Scott cooked corned beef & cul cannon (no idea how to spell that, it's a veggie potato dish). All was delish!
Weather's been hit and miss big storm system moving through. I think I'm ready for spring. Hope I build back enough strength to go motorcycling & camping before too long.
Yahzi says I have to skritch him & help him watch birds now. Just as well, I'm out of anything intelligent to say.
Live long & prosper.
~m
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Not much that glitters.
My hesitancy to share negatives has pretty much blundered my blog for a while. I am having a hard time settling into this new version of my job.
It's no one thing, nor anyone's fault. I've even come to a place where I'm not blaming myself anymore. Apart from not fixing my gall bladder or back I can't see a way I could have avoided this stress & I simply can't regret those 2 major upgrades in quality of life. If the price I pay is losing a job I loved & being essentially forced into one I seemingly can not succeed at is the price then it's still absolutely worth it. That doesn't stop it from being frustrating & often exhausting. Perhaps if I could cut all ties with Jordan Campus & forget how much I loved working there it might be easier. But that's not an option. My hours were cut in the move & I not only want but need to finish the project I'm doing for admissions.
But enough of pouring my stress out here. I am resilient, and will do my best to bloom where I'm planted. & if the soil really does prove too acidic then I'll find another garden.
I've not had much of interest to report. Since my encounter with the black ice I've had to becareful to used my cane or Lynn's walker. It makes a big difference. Knowing I have a way to catch my balance or sit down if I have a muscle spasm is an immense comfort. I don't need it most of the time, but those few times when the muscles seize make it worth any hassle. Healing is slower since the injury, but I am making recovery. I've had a bit of frustration getting risk management to understand why my surgeon doesn't feel I should be pushing through physical therapy right away. The only rational way I'm able to interpret their behavior is to pretend I'm some sort of scam artist trying to wring every possible anything from the legal system. It's disgusting to be treated that way when all I want from the mess is for someone to be a bit more attentive when distributing ice melt on nasty frozen mornings.
Danny & Lynn walk that same piece of entry walk at that same time of day, and what injured me could just as easily have hurt one of them. That's not ok with me. They both have plenty to deal with already.
Oh dear. It's late, and I haven't managed to include one positive in this whole post yet. I really need to do something to fix my outlook. I'd say I need a camping trip, but loading and climbing into the camper still seems a bit of a nightmare. Perhaps putting together more plans for visiting with T&J while they're in Moab this summer would help. If I get a chance tomorrow I'll work on that.
Mom & Glenn are still elbow deep in constructing their trailer, this afternoon I found out they're headed to a food show in St. G. The weather should be nice for it as long as they get home before the weekend.
Scott spent the weekend moving furniture and setting up electronics to rearrange our living room. I really like the change & hope he can too once things settle. Kitties do not approve....yet.
This morning I tried a new way of preparing coffee & discovered A: It's been long enough since I was the coffee shift at Maverik with it's ehky flavored burnt coffee smells & B: If I get the strength & mix right I can stand to drink the stuff. I know for some of you that this seems like a sacrilege goal, but the other half of you have been wondering for years how I could go without & it didn't effect my marriage. In fact, Coffee is one of the few recipes I ever called up my mom in law to ask her how to make it "the way he likes". Moral hang ups being whatever they are, the fact is that more than ever I needed some sort of chemical stimulant to help me face this new job and all it's "glory". Without coffee the options were pretty ridiculous. I'm confident that this new ability will improve my marriage (sometime after he gets used to sharing).
Ok, it's even later now, and I was exhausted before this day even started. Better try another pill to slow the spasms and try for some sleep. Wish me luck & know that my dear ones are the shiny thing that's getting me through the day. So thanks for being there. My love & my thanks to you. You're the thing that's keeping hope in my heart & peace at the core of my soul. This too shall pass.
~m
It's no one thing, nor anyone's fault. I've even come to a place where I'm not blaming myself anymore. Apart from not fixing my gall bladder or back I can't see a way I could have avoided this stress & I simply can't regret those 2 major upgrades in quality of life. If the price I pay is losing a job I loved & being essentially forced into one I seemingly can not succeed at is the price then it's still absolutely worth it. That doesn't stop it from being frustrating & often exhausting. Perhaps if I could cut all ties with Jordan Campus & forget how much I loved working there it might be easier. But that's not an option. My hours were cut in the move & I not only want but need to finish the project I'm doing for admissions.
But enough of pouring my stress out here. I am resilient, and will do my best to bloom where I'm planted. & if the soil really does prove too acidic then I'll find another garden.
I've not had much of interest to report. Since my encounter with the black ice I've had to becareful to used my cane or Lynn's walker. It makes a big difference. Knowing I have a way to catch my balance or sit down if I have a muscle spasm is an immense comfort. I don't need it most of the time, but those few times when the muscles seize make it worth any hassle. Healing is slower since the injury, but I am making recovery. I've had a bit of frustration getting risk management to understand why my surgeon doesn't feel I should be pushing through physical therapy right away. The only rational way I'm able to interpret their behavior is to pretend I'm some sort of scam artist trying to wring every possible anything from the legal system. It's disgusting to be treated that way when all I want from the mess is for someone to be a bit more attentive when distributing ice melt on nasty frozen mornings.
Danny & Lynn walk that same piece of entry walk at that same time of day, and what injured me could just as easily have hurt one of them. That's not ok with me. They both have plenty to deal with already.
Oh dear. It's late, and I haven't managed to include one positive in this whole post yet. I really need to do something to fix my outlook. I'd say I need a camping trip, but loading and climbing into the camper still seems a bit of a nightmare. Perhaps putting together more plans for visiting with T&J while they're in Moab this summer would help. If I get a chance tomorrow I'll work on that.
Mom & Glenn are still elbow deep in constructing their trailer, this afternoon I found out they're headed to a food show in St. G. The weather should be nice for it as long as they get home before the weekend.
Scott spent the weekend moving furniture and setting up electronics to rearrange our living room. I really like the change & hope he can too once things settle. Kitties do not approve....yet.
This morning I tried a new way of preparing coffee & discovered A: It's been long enough since I was the coffee shift at Maverik with it's ehky flavored burnt coffee smells & B: If I get the strength & mix right I can stand to drink the stuff. I know for some of you that this seems like a sacrilege goal, but the other half of you have been wondering for years how I could go without & it didn't effect my marriage. In fact, Coffee is one of the few recipes I ever called up my mom in law to ask her how to make it "the way he likes". Moral hang ups being whatever they are, the fact is that more than ever I needed some sort of chemical stimulant to help me face this new job and all it's "glory". Without coffee the options were pretty ridiculous. I'm confident that this new ability will improve my marriage (sometime after he gets used to sharing).
Ok, it's even later now, and I was exhausted before this day even started. Better try another pill to slow the spasms and try for some sleep. Wish me luck & know that my dear ones are the shiny thing that's getting me through the day. So thanks for being there. My love & my thanks to you. You're the thing that's keeping hope in my heart & peace at the core of my soul. This too shall pass.
~m
Monday, March 5, 2012
A visit with Dad.
So those of you who know me well know that every now & then I get to visit with my Dad. It's rarer lately than it used to be. I don't know if it's happening less often, or if I just don't need to remember it as much. But today was a very clear vivid situation & I'm going to take a moment to share.
Today turned out to be high stress for me. I turned in the "official" workplace incident form for my black ice incident this morning & was immediately packed off to the workers comp doc by risk management. Spent 2 hours waiting there for the one doctor on duty to see me. She basically backed up my claim which isn't what risk management wanted to hear so they snapped my head off when I called them as requested after the visit. It's not exactly my personality to snap back, but this lady was unpleasant when I was trying to be professional. I know it's her job to keep the college from getting sued, but if there had been proper snow/ice management then I wouldn't be in severe pain right now & my recovery from surgery wouldn't be set back several weeks & I wouldn't have to pack around Lynn's walker. But water under the bridge, it does no good to be upset I just need to accept what is & move on.
Anyhow, after I got home tonight I ate my lunch/dinner with Oscar (he really likes sesame chicken with rice & broccoli) took some pain meds & a muscle relaxer, and laid down to sleep for a couple hours in hopes of the pain backing off. Scott promised to wake me up up before too long so I could get my hair washed and some laundry done before bed time. While I was asleep I must have strayed into deep rem sleep because I found myself standing on the edge of a red sandstone bluff looking down at the breakaway anchored in a familiar cove. The scrap book I kept as a teen was in my hands, and I was looking at memories (none that I remember scrapping, just that the book was a way of mentally displaying the memories). Looking down at the boat I knew that if I walked down there dad would be sitting on the front deck in his favorite green tshirt & watching the morning sun on the water. I walked down there, enjoying the quiet & peace of the memory & when I stepped up to the railing there he was. Mom was there next to him asleep & we just sat together for a bit. Can't remember exactly what we said, but I remember he kept patting my hand & patting mom's shoulder as she slept. I suddnely knew that Scott was coming to wake me up and I would have to go soon. I didn't want to leave but had a strong impression that I could come back and find him there again soon. I turned to dad and said "I'm sleeping now." He nodded his head to mom & said "So is she." & then my dear husband woke me up as promised. It was so nice to just sit with Dad in the quiet & think about nothing. I know that was the whole point of the visit. To find some calm when I desperately needed it. & I woke up with tears running down my face, but so much more at peace in my core than I have been for a while.
I know that everyone who reads this will interpret this description in their own way & don't seek to convert or preach anything. I simply wanted to share a beautiful moment of calm & love with those of you who might need it as much as I did. I really hope I get to go back soon and spend a few more moments sitting with my dad enjoying just being.
Live long & prosper.
~m
Today turned out to be high stress for me. I turned in the "official" workplace incident form for my black ice incident this morning & was immediately packed off to the workers comp doc by risk management. Spent 2 hours waiting there for the one doctor on duty to see me. She basically backed up my claim which isn't what risk management wanted to hear so they snapped my head off when I called them as requested after the visit. It's not exactly my personality to snap back, but this lady was unpleasant when I was trying to be professional. I know it's her job to keep the college from getting sued, but if there had been proper snow/ice management then I wouldn't be in severe pain right now & my recovery from surgery wouldn't be set back several weeks & I wouldn't have to pack around Lynn's walker. But water under the bridge, it does no good to be upset I just need to accept what is & move on.
Anyhow, after I got home tonight I ate my lunch/dinner with Oscar (he really likes sesame chicken with rice & broccoli) took some pain meds & a muscle relaxer, and laid down to sleep for a couple hours in hopes of the pain backing off. Scott promised to wake me up up before too long so I could get my hair washed and some laundry done before bed time. While I was asleep I must have strayed into deep rem sleep because I found myself standing on the edge of a red sandstone bluff looking down at the breakaway anchored in a familiar cove. The scrap book I kept as a teen was in my hands, and I was looking at memories (none that I remember scrapping, just that the book was a way of mentally displaying the memories). Looking down at the boat I knew that if I walked down there dad would be sitting on the front deck in his favorite green tshirt & watching the morning sun on the water. I walked down there, enjoying the quiet & peace of the memory & when I stepped up to the railing there he was. Mom was there next to him asleep & we just sat together for a bit. Can't remember exactly what we said, but I remember he kept patting my hand & patting mom's shoulder as she slept. I suddnely knew that Scott was coming to wake me up and I would have to go soon. I didn't want to leave but had a strong impression that I could come back and find him there again soon. I turned to dad and said "I'm sleeping now." He nodded his head to mom & said "So is she." & then my dear husband woke me up as promised. It was so nice to just sit with Dad in the quiet & think about nothing. I know that was the whole point of the visit. To find some calm when I desperately needed it. & I woke up with tears running down my face, but so much more at peace in my core than I have been for a while.
I know that everyone who reads this will interpret this description in their own way & don't seek to convert or preach anything. I simply wanted to share a beautiful moment of calm & love with those of you who might need it as much as I did. I really hope I get to go back soon and spend a few more moments sitting with my dad enjoying just being.
Live long & prosper.
~m
Friday, March 2, 2012
Exhausted.
This first week back at work and working in the new location has been a bit demanding. I am several steps beyond tired. Our dear Lynn had to put Buddy down after the ultrasound showed tumors. It was a terrible decision to have to make & I'm so sorry she had to go there. But she's a strong woman and weathers her storms with dignity. I hate to even mention the comparatively trivial details of my life after watching her loose such a companion. Nothing happened that I had any choice in, I did nothing very admirable, a year from now there will not likely be any reason to recall it. So I'm just gonna save that time, admit that I'm plain ol beat & just share light & love with those of you who I write this blog for. There are ups and downs & everything in it's season. I plan to spend the weekend resting and trying to catch up on things that I've had to neglect the last while. Unless something noteworthy or comical comes along it will likely be into next week before I post again.
Live long and prosper my dear ones.
~m
Live long and prosper my dear ones.
~m
Monday, February 27, 2012
Back to the salt mine!
Started back to the latest version of my job...on 2 hours of sleep... caught some sort of tummy bug this weekend and was still in the throws of it all night long. At 3am I woke out of the shallow semblance of sleep I'd been fitfully maintaining & proceeded with the tossing turning, until 6am when I gave up and went to buy a thermometer in order to determine rather I dared do my first day back at work.
The first 2 stores I tried were closed...so I ended up at Harmons with a a bag full of vitamins, cough drops, cold medicine, lysol, and a thermometer. They did not stop me to visit.
Wasn't running a fever so I dosed up and decided I was gonna make 4 hours of high intensity training work. & mostly I did. Not sure it was the best foot to start out on, but it was better than calling in sick.
Having 14 advisers to keep track of may actually turn out to be less stress on average than haveing 2 has been. I am not expected to keep track of as many details for each individual. I see a big difference in how I can help the health science students compared everyone else, but I'll get there fast & once I do I can see this being just as much fun as Jordan was. I'll very much miss having the health sci admissions gals to back me up though. My new location doesn't have much in the way of immediate backup.
After my shift today I stopped for one of the major perks of my new location. Lynn's office is between me & the closest parking! I really enjoy visiting with her, and having that resource is invaluable. She keeps alluding to retiring & I'm gonna have to buy her a cell phone to keep that line open! She's got a sick puppy right now, is doing all the responsible good things to take care of him & is still facing possible loss. It's a horrible place to be & I wish I could do more than wish and pray for her & her boy. She loves her fur children as much as I do mine & has done more than her share to take care of them. It's so hard to watch them age & suffer and weigh the balance of comfort/suffering for them. We want to keep them close & hate to watch them hurt. I really hope the ultrasound tomorrow shows something that is mendable to make him comfy.
After that visit I stopped at Arctic Circle for a Banana Caramel Shake (my cousin Austin was a very evil child & got me hooked on these this summer) & a few 79 cent corn dogs. I then stopped at the flower shop & had the first lunch buddy lunch I've had since leaving the flower shop. Adda sat down with me and filled me in on everything I've missed since Feb 14 (we don't say that word since it's a swear). They are still recovering but have mostly caught up and are getting set to make 12 bridal bouquets tomorrow for KSL's "Leap of Faith" wedding event. Depending on how things go there & how much "umph" I've got to go around I may stop over and help out a bit.
I feel much better tonight than last and hope to get some actual sleep here soon.
Live long & prosper.
~m
The first 2 stores I tried were closed...so I ended up at Harmons with a a bag full of vitamins, cough drops, cold medicine, lysol, and a thermometer. They did not stop me to visit.
Wasn't running a fever so I dosed up and decided I was gonna make 4 hours of high intensity training work. & mostly I did. Not sure it was the best foot to start out on, but it was better than calling in sick.
Having 14 advisers to keep track of may actually turn out to be less stress on average than haveing 2 has been. I am not expected to keep track of as many details for each individual. I see a big difference in how I can help the health science students compared everyone else, but I'll get there fast & once I do I can see this being just as much fun as Jordan was. I'll very much miss having the health sci admissions gals to back me up though. My new location doesn't have much in the way of immediate backup.
After my shift today I stopped for one of the major perks of my new location. Lynn's office is between me & the closest parking! I really enjoy visiting with her, and having that resource is invaluable. She keeps alluding to retiring & I'm gonna have to buy her a cell phone to keep that line open! She's got a sick puppy right now, is doing all the responsible good things to take care of him & is still facing possible loss. It's a horrible place to be & I wish I could do more than wish and pray for her & her boy. She loves her fur children as much as I do mine & has done more than her share to take care of them. It's so hard to watch them age & suffer and weigh the balance of comfort/suffering for them. We want to keep them close & hate to watch them hurt. I really hope the ultrasound tomorrow shows something that is mendable to make him comfy.
After that visit I stopped at Arctic Circle for a Banana Caramel Shake (my cousin Austin was a very evil child & got me hooked on these this summer) & a few 79 cent corn dogs. I then stopped at the flower shop & had the first lunch buddy lunch I've had since leaving the flower shop. Adda sat down with me and filled me in on everything I've missed since Feb 14 (we don't say that word since it's a swear). They are still recovering but have mostly caught up and are getting set to make 12 bridal bouquets tomorrow for KSL's "Leap of Faith" wedding event. Depending on how things go there & how much "umph" I've got to go around I may stop over and help out a bit.
I feel much better tonight than last and hope to get some actual sleep here soon.
Live long & prosper.
~m
Saturday, February 25, 2012
I get down, I get up.
My recent posts have been a bit low. I'm sorry. I do not write this blog to share the sob story of my life. I don't consider myself to have one. I've just been going through a low spot & it's showing. I am not depressed, I'm mostly stressed. I tend to process through talking it through, and I haven't dumped this one on my mom, Scott, Judy, or Lynn. It's landing in my blog. That's pretty unusual so I'm not gonna focus too much on it.
Perhaps one of the reasons I'm focusing on my blog is that recently my dear friend Judy lost hers. Somehow and update erased 6 years of chipper, informative, and for some of us essential information. That has been traumatic for her, and perhaps also for me. I enjoy & look forward to seeing what they're up to, and knowing the details without being intrusive. I know I could easily phone or text & be up to date, but it's not what I'm used to & I guess I've become spoiled. So I'm over sharing a bit. I'll try to get over it.
Made Oreo truffles the other day. YUM! and EASY!
mix one bag oreos with one block cream cheese in food processor
cool mix till stable to hold on ball shape
ball up
dip in white/milk chocolate *I used a double boiler & a mix of wfalmond bark & guitard & bakers white choc)
set on wax paper (I used mini muffin cups since I wanted them to be easy to share)
if desired sprinkle with a dash of pulverized oreo cookie (I made this in the food pro by peeling the cookie side of a few of the oreos before putting in the cream chs & the remaining cookies & filling)*
let set
SHARE
try to eat just one...I dare ya.
My cousin Emily shared these with me at a party & though I do not usually do sugar bombs the idea stuck & bloomed. Call it a new leas on life. I enjoyed making, eating & sharing them. In fact I think there's a few more out in the garage (my walk in cooler for the moment).
Live long & prosper.
~m
Perhaps one of the reasons I'm focusing on my blog is that recently my dear friend Judy lost hers. Somehow and update erased 6 years of chipper, informative, and for some of us essential information. That has been traumatic for her, and perhaps also for me. I enjoy & look forward to seeing what they're up to, and knowing the details without being intrusive. I know I could easily phone or text & be up to date, but it's not what I'm used to & I guess I've become spoiled. So I'm over sharing a bit. I'll try to get over it.
Made Oreo truffles the other day. YUM! and EASY!
mix one bag oreos with one block cream cheese in food processor
cool mix till stable to hold on ball shape
ball up
dip in white/milk chocolate *I used a double boiler & a mix of wfalmond bark & guitard & bakers white choc)
set on wax paper (I used mini muffin cups since I wanted them to be easy to share)
if desired sprinkle with a dash of pulverized oreo cookie (I made this in the food pro by peeling the cookie side of a few of the oreos before putting in the cream chs & the remaining cookies & filling)*
let set
SHARE
try to eat just one...I dare ya.
My cousin Emily shared these with me at a party & though I do not usually do sugar bombs the idea stuck & bloomed. Call it a new leas on life. I enjoyed making, eating & sharing them. In fact I think there's a few more out in the garage (my walk in cooler for the moment).
Live long & prosper.
~m
Been busy.
Getting myself into a head space where I could clean out my desk at Jordan was as difficult mentally as figuring out how to pee while laying in bed when I was in the hospital. Possible TMI but....deal...I'd say "dare ya to try" but without the trained medical staff it's prolly a bad idea. I just didn't know that "rotation" was part of that job. Apparently it is, and I don't get a say. So I'm reassembling my perceptions & girding myself up to go into this new adventure with a positive attitude. I will dearly miss the people who have been so helpful & essential to me for the last 5 months, but at least until June I get to see some of them for 9 hours a week. Working at Redwood campus is going to give me all sorts of new opportunities & I openly admit that I'm more than a little intimidated by the scope of things. But I felt the same way at Jordan when I started, sure that I was somehow going to screw up everything because I wasn't sure exactly what was expected. I shall weather this too & learn to be good at it.
I suppose the added strain of not knowing exactly how much I can do before I give out is an additional strain. Lately every "normal" thing I try to do results in me arriving home afterward and falling into bed exhausted regardless of whatever else I needed to do. I get SO tired So easily. The few things I've attempted lately have been very rewarding in that I haven't done ANYTHING in weeks and ABSOLUTELY EXHAUSTING. I hope stamina builds back as quickly as I've lost it.
I'm definitely better off than I would have been without the surgery. The headaches I was having those last few days, and the pain I was experiencing combined with the scar tissue they found on the spinal sheath & the spinal fluid leak they couldn't locate during surgery lead me to believe that I tore the sheath on my own and was leaking fluid those last few days. There is no way of measuring what calamity I'd have found had I not been already scheduled for surgery.
******what follows here has made me cry twice reading over it, guess I'm sharing my learning process & being a bit weepy, don't read on if that kind of stuff bugs ya. I promise not to go here very often******
So I'm taking my punches & trying to find the rainbow. It ain't all that hard when I stand up and move without pain (that is when I haven't over done it). But I'm really so much better off than I have been for years.
I know what's wrong: Those 4 MRI scans were totally worth the mental anguish & however much my insurance paid for them!
I have a spine specialist I trust: Doc Nathan is aware of everything I'm dealing with spine wise & is treating me.
I have a GP I trust: Despite my sour grapes with West Jordan Medical, Doc Mikesell has my trust.
I CAN WALK: Yep, that's a pretty take for granted thing, but it's praiseworthy when you've been without..
There ARE moments when I am pain free: That's been a while!
I have options for pain relief, and I've gotten damn good at managing it: Begin 3 week countdown to hot tub time HERE.
I'm not planning marathons, and taking pilates classes just yet...I'm walking, I'm LIVING. I can not convey in words how VERY thankful I am for that. I have been fighting this invisible monster for 14 years. I now not only know what it is, I have an attack plan & am finishing the first battle. Damn that silly ladder accident 14 years ago. It changed EVERYTHING! But I can't change that, I can move on....FINALLY.
I'm not even sure I would change that...it's a strange thing to contemplate. The decisions forced on me by that event have been so much a part of getting to where I am, & I like it here. I'm at a place where I'm really at peace with me. There's no price to put on that & I wouldn't trade it. It could have been easier along the way, but I wouldn't have learned the things I have. I could list off the adventures, but those of you who watched & helped along the journey know what they were, and rehashing them doesn't hold much value. So I'm gonna keep glossing them over, they're easier to carry that way.
I've been missing my dad this week. Not like the normal days when I say to myself "sure wish I could ask Dad what he thinks" but the more heart wrenching kind where I KNOW he'd be better at making this decision than I am. There's so much going on, and I'm so overwhelmed & he always knew what kind of head pats I needed & he was so good at helping me find the information that would be pertinent to the decision I'm making. Just the rumble of his voice at my shoulder (don't know how many of you ever got the "come sit by me" treatment with him, but even when it was the last thing I wanted to do it was the thing I needed) or over the phone was enough to help me step up to so many things. I miss that, but more I miss him. There's a thousand ways to justify why he's elsewhere and what he's up to these days but sometimes I just have to sit down & do some missing. He had big strong hands. I picture rock man here from never ending story, and then remember all the hours of sacrament meetings gone by that I spent tracing the scars & creases of those hands, I knew so many of the stories they told. So many of them were from stories that included his dear ones, the people he loved and helped, and sometimes got banged up in the process. To this day I catch myself when sitting quietly with an idle mind contemplating my scars & the stories that they tell. This most recent one on my back has a much longer, deeper tale than most.
Okay, done. I'm gonna sign off & lay down, been sitting too long. Love to all those who read on this far. & more to those who've teared up in the process. I'll find something shiny to share soon & promise no more tears.
Live long & prosper.
~m
I suppose the added strain of not knowing exactly how much I can do before I give out is an additional strain. Lately every "normal" thing I try to do results in me arriving home afterward and falling into bed exhausted regardless of whatever else I needed to do. I get SO tired So easily. The few things I've attempted lately have been very rewarding in that I haven't done ANYTHING in weeks and ABSOLUTELY EXHAUSTING. I hope stamina builds back as quickly as I've lost it.
I'm definitely better off than I would have been without the surgery. The headaches I was having those last few days, and the pain I was experiencing combined with the scar tissue they found on the spinal sheath & the spinal fluid leak they couldn't locate during surgery lead me to believe that I tore the sheath on my own and was leaking fluid those last few days. There is no way of measuring what calamity I'd have found had I not been already scheduled for surgery.
******what follows here has made me cry twice reading over it, guess I'm sharing my learning process & being a bit weepy, don't read on if that kind of stuff bugs ya. I promise not to go here very often******
So I'm taking my punches & trying to find the rainbow. It ain't all that hard when I stand up and move without pain (that is when I haven't over done it). But I'm really so much better off than I have been for years.
I know what's wrong: Those 4 MRI scans were totally worth the mental anguish & however much my insurance paid for them!
I have a spine specialist I trust: Doc Nathan is aware of everything I'm dealing with spine wise & is treating me.
I have a GP I trust: Despite my sour grapes with West Jordan Medical, Doc Mikesell has my trust.
I CAN WALK: Yep, that's a pretty take for granted thing, but it's praiseworthy when you've been without..
There ARE moments when I am pain free: That's been a while!
I have options for pain relief, and I've gotten damn good at managing it: Begin 3 week countdown to hot tub time HERE.
I'm not planning marathons, and taking pilates classes just yet...I'm walking, I'm LIVING. I can not convey in words how VERY thankful I am for that. I have been fighting this invisible monster for 14 years. I now not only know what it is, I have an attack plan & am finishing the first battle. Damn that silly ladder accident 14 years ago. It changed EVERYTHING! But I can't change that, I can move on....FINALLY.
I'm not even sure I would change that...it's a strange thing to contemplate. The decisions forced on me by that event have been so much a part of getting to where I am, & I like it here. I'm at a place where I'm really at peace with me. There's no price to put on that & I wouldn't trade it. It could have been easier along the way, but I wouldn't have learned the things I have. I could list off the adventures, but those of you who watched & helped along the journey know what they were, and rehashing them doesn't hold much value. So I'm gonna keep glossing them over, they're easier to carry that way.
I've been missing my dad this week. Not like the normal days when I say to myself "sure wish I could ask Dad what he thinks" but the more heart wrenching kind where I KNOW he'd be better at making this decision than I am. There's so much going on, and I'm so overwhelmed & he always knew what kind of head pats I needed & he was so good at helping me find the information that would be pertinent to the decision I'm making. Just the rumble of his voice at my shoulder (don't know how many of you ever got the "come sit by me" treatment with him, but even when it was the last thing I wanted to do it was the thing I needed) or over the phone was enough to help me step up to so many things. I miss that, but more I miss him. There's a thousand ways to justify why he's elsewhere and what he's up to these days but sometimes I just have to sit down & do some missing. He had big strong hands. I picture rock man here from never ending story, and then remember all the hours of sacrament meetings gone by that I spent tracing the scars & creases of those hands, I knew so many of the stories they told. So many of them were from stories that included his dear ones, the people he loved and helped, and sometimes got banged up in the process. To this day I catch myself when sitting quietly with an idle mind contemplating my scars & the stories that they tell. This most recent one on my back has a much longer, deeper tale than most.
Okay, done. I'm gonna sign off & lay down, been sitting too long. Love to all those who read on this far. & more to those who've teared up in the process. I'll find something shiny to share soon & promise no more tears.
Live long & prosper.
~m
 |
| at the time I disliked the way my name skews what was meant to be shared with all who visit. But just now, I'm recalling that "love ya daughter" were his last words to me & I'm ok with it all. |
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Changes
Wednesday I found out that I won't be going back to my job as secretary for advising at Jordan. That news was very upsetting & scary. I have REALLY LOVED that job, and like the atmosphere & people I get to work with out there. But I turns out I don't really get a vote on this change, so I just better be optimistic about the new opportunities and challenges that working in the redwood office brings. The first and most dreadful one of those challenges being a 7:45am start. Blehk! I am not a morning person!
Yesterday Mom & Glenn came down. We went to our favorite chinese buffet & then the annual RV show. Mom brought her 2 wheelchairs, and the 4 of us took turns gimping around. As always there were lots of things that caught our eye, and lots of food for thought. Mom & Glenn saw several things that gave them ideas for their concession trailer. Scott and I saw a couple 5th wheel trailers that line up with things we've liked before. There was also a trailer much like the one we fell in love with while in Quartzsite this last visit. We still prefer that to most of the other options we've looked at.
This post has been left open on my computer for two days, I'm not sure where I was headed with my narrative. Therefor I'm just going to tie it up & post it as is. I'm hoping to make a batch of Oreo bon bons this afternoon & I need to do some recipe research.
Y'all take care.
~m
Yesterday Mom & Glenn came down. We went to our favorite chinese buffet & then the annual RV show. Mom brought her 2 wheelchairs, and the 4 of us took turns gimping around. As always there were lots of things that caught our eye, and lots of food for thought. Mom & Glenn saw several things that gave them ideas for their concession trailer. Scott and I saw a couple 5th wheel trailers that line up with things we've liked before. There was also a trailer much like the one we fell in love with while in Quartzsite this last visit. We still prefer that to most of the other options we've looked at.
This post has been left open on my computer for two days, I'm not sure where I was headed with my narrative. Therefor I'm just going to tie it up & post it as is. I'm hoping to make a batch of Oreo bon bons this afternoon & I need to do some recipe research.
Y'all take care.
~m
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Still Here!
I have often said that in my next life I would like to come back as one of my cats. Having spent the last 2 weeks being with them 24/7 I am revising that statement. In my next life I want to be as at peace, happy, and comfortable as one of my cats. Having the position and place to nap in and rather to have a snack now, or later as the biggest decisions in my day is not nearly as much fun as it might seem. But each day I move a little better, and the pain is much different and far easier to manage than it used to be. I am noticing changes in nerve sensation & muscle control that I didn't expect, but I'm hoping that as inflammation goes down in the offended tissue that some of those things come back.
I will meet with Doc Nathan next Friday & hopefully get a clear bill of heath to return to work. I'm trying to condition myself to spend more time sitting rather than reclining. Who'd'a thought that I would ever need to practice sitting up!
I learned this afternoon that I will not be returning to my secretary job at jordan campus but will be working at the main office at redwood. I'm not exactly sure what to think abut that. I've really enjoyed the people and unique environment of that office. I have no idea if this change is permanent, I kind of hope it isn't. It came as a complete surprise & has me a little off kilter. I have an appointment to talk with my boss tomorrow afternoon & hopefully will have more facts then.
I went to tulip tree for a visit on Monday. It was so great to see all of my friends there! It was a predictable display of organized chaos. The day before valentines is always crazy in a flower shop, no matter how organized or prepared you try to be. And it's always fun, in and out of control panic stricken wonderful kind of way.
Last Thursday night I ventured out to the truck to retrieve my stash of AAA batteries. Outie (the cat we've been feeding since spring) was at the neighbors door meowing her heart out to get in out of the cold. They've had all sorts of complications medically lately & I wasn't sure they weren't checked into a hospital and not coming home or staying with family while they recovered. I just found out last week that they've been bringing her inside at night, they call her Lady. I also found out that they were planning to take her to the humane society. At the time I mentioned that she was not the kind of pet who would be quickly adopted and that I'd hate to find out she'd been euthanized. Also she seemed to be quite comfy & little nuisance being the neighborhood cat & I was happy to continue feeding her & appreciated knowing that she was getting in out of the cold.
I know not all people look at the responsibility of caring for animals like I do, nor do I claim to be flawless in that respect. I try not to pass judgment, but I have a very hard time watching/accepting when people treat animals as "things" disposable at the first inconvenience. These are not wild animals, they have been domesticated, the core parts of their survival behaviors have been altered in order for them to be more astheticly pleasing, or better behaved. Due to those changes I think we as the species that has pushed them to be domestic carry a responsibility to protect and care for them, There is no such thing for me as a worthless animal. Even snakes (which I HATE) if domesticated should not be forced to fend for themselves!
So rant over, & let me begin by stating that I love my neighbors and would hate to offend them. I know that there are a few points on pet care/responsibility where our views/priorityies do no match. Doesn't mean either of us is wrong, we just hold differing opinions. I watched for an hour to see if they came home & at 10pm decided to bring her into our garage for the night. Of course 10 minutes after I created a safe zone & brought her inside the neighbors came home. Go figure. I went over to let them know I had her so they didn't worry & was treated to a display of the stress bringing her in had caused in their family. They've obviously got enough going on in their life and couldn't handle the added stress of an unwelcome pet. Not that Scott & I were looking to adopt her either, but taking care of her won't take food out of our mouths. Knowing now how much work, heartache, and frustration I had finding a new home for Royla I have been very reluctant to bond with Outie. But over time I've caved. Scott's been putting out kibble for her every morning & I've been feeding her a can of wet food every few days. Her eye infection has not gotten any better & I was concerned that it might spread to my indoor kitties. So Friday I made an appointment with the vet & took her in. I have been meaning to audition this vet for a few years because they're so much closer to home. After my experience I think we may switch over and take all of our fur children there for checkups instead of driving to the east side to see a vet who I dearly love & have trusted but who tends to overcharge. Outie was a sweetheart to handle getting her into a cat carrier & to the vet wasn't nearly as much of a project as Yahzi would have made it. The vet looked her over, ran some tests, checked out her ears & eyes & after asking some questions was able to comfortably ok her coming inside with my other babies. The last hurtle was finding out if she had been spayed or not. They took her into the back room to shave her tummy & look for a scar. When they brought her back we were all a little surprised. She is a neutered male, with a somewhat strange shaved belly. So after paying the nice people I took HIM home & began introducing him to Yahz, Spazz, & Sider. My goal is to get his eyes cleared up (they're doing much better in just the few days we've been applying ointment) and then begin the process of finding him a forever home. He's been very affectionate, and even Spazz is getting around to liking him. Oscar's not too psyched since he's lost some of the freedom he's used to. Can't have him wandering at whim until new kitty realizes he's not food.
Outie needs a new masculine adoptable name. I'm drawing a blank. He can't be Outie now that he's in.
It's time for another dose of pain killers and another episode of Star Trek. I hope all goes well in my world and yours.
Live long & prosper.
~m
I will meet with Doc Nathan next Friday & hopefully get a clear bill of heath to return to work. I'm trying to condition myself to spend more time sitting rather than reclining. Who'd'a thought that I would ever need to practice sitting up!
I learned this afternoon that I will not be returning to my secretary job at jordan campus but will be working at the main office at redwood. I'm not exactly sure what to think abut that. I've really enjoyed the people and unique environment of that office. I have no idea if this change is permanent, I kind of hope it isn't. It came as a complete surprise & has me a little off kilter. I have an appointment to talk with my boss tomorrow afternoon & hopefully will have more facts then.
I went to tulip tree for a visit on Monday. It was so great to see all of my friends there! It was a predictable display of organized chaos. The day before valentines is always crazy in a flower shop, no matter how organized or prepared you try to be. And it's always fun, in and out of control panic stricken wonderful kind of way.
Last Thursday night I ventured out to the truck to retrieve my stash of AAA batteries. Outie (the cat we've been feeding since spring) was at the neighbors door meowing her heart out to get in out of the cold. They've had all sorts of complications medically lately & I wasn't sure they weren't checked into a hospital and not coming home or staying with family while they recovered. I just found out last week that they've been bringing her inside at night, they call her Lady. I also found out that they were planning to take her to the humane society. At the time I mentioned that she was not the kind of pet who would be quickly adopted and that I'd hate to find out she'd been euthanized. Also she seemed to be quite comfy & little nuisance being the neighborhood cat & I was happy to continue feeding her & appreciated knowing that she was getting in out of the cold.
I know not all people look at the responsibility of caring for animals like I do, nor do I claim to be flawless in that respect. I try not to pass judgment, but I have a very hard time watching/accepting when people treat animals as "things" disposable at the first inconvenience. These are not wild animals, they have been domesticated, the core parts of their survival behaviors have been altered in order for them to be more astheticly pleasing, or better behaved. Due to those changes I think we as the species that has pushed them to be domestic carry a responsibility to protect and care for them, There is no such thing for me as a worthless animal. Even snakes (which I HATE) if domesticated should not be forced to fend for themselves!
So rant over, & let me begin by stating that I love my neighbors and would hate to offend them. I know that there are a few points on pet care/responsibility where our views/priorityies do no match. Doesn't mean either of us is wrong, we just hold differing opinions. I watched for an hour to see if they came home & at 10pm decided to bring her into our garage for the night. Of course 10 minutes after I created a safe zone & brought her inside the neighbors came home. Go figure. I went over to let them know I had her so they didn't worry & was treated to a display of the stress bringing her in had caused in their family. They've obviously got enough going on in their life and couldn't handle the added stress of an unwelcome pet. Not that Scott & I were looking to adopt her either, but taking care of her won't take food out of our mouths. Knowing now how much work, heartache, and frustration I had finding a new home for Royla I have been very reluctant to bond with Outie. But over time I've caved. Scott's been putting out kibble for her every morning & I've been feeding her a can of wet food every few days. Her eye infection has not gotten any better & I was concerned that it might spread to my indoor kitties. So Friday I made an appointment with the vet & took her in. I have been meaning to audition this vet for a few years because they're so much closer to home. After my experience I think we may switch over and take all of our fur children there for checkups instead of driving to the east side to see a vet who I dearly love & have trusted but who tends to overcharge. Outie was a sweetheart to handle getting her into a cat carrier & to the vet wasn't nearly as much of a project as Yahzi would have made it. The vet looked her over, ran some tests, checked out her ears & eyes & after asking some questions was able to comfortably ok her coming inside with my other babies. The last hurtle was finding out if she had been spayed or not. They took her into the back room to shave her tummy & look for a scar. When they brought her back we were all a little surprised. She is a neutered male, with a somewhat strange shaved belly. So after paying the nice people I took HIM home & began introducing him to Yahz, Spazz, & Sider. My goal is to get his eyes cleared up (they're doing much better in just the few days we've been applying ointment) and then begin the process of finding him a forever home. He's been very affectionate, and even Spazz is getting around to liking him. Oscar's not too psyched since he's lost some of the freedom he's used to. Can't have him wandering at whim until new kitty realizes he's not food.
Outie needs a new masculine adoptable name. I'm drawing a blank. He can't be Outie now that he's in.
It's time for another dose of pain killers and another episode of Star Trek. I hope all goes well in my world and yours.
Live long & prosper.
~m
Friday, January 27, 2012
Adequately Medicated
Ok, now that the anesthesia's mostly out of my system & I'm able to think more clearly here's a few details for all those to whom I promised them.
Surgery went well, he only had to go in from the right side (this means he only had to cut muscles on the right side). There was some seepage of spinal fluid but due to scar tissue on the sheath of my spine he couldn't see where it was coming from to suture (thus the lying flat for the first 16 hours). The nerves were splayed around the bulged disc material & he was very careful to remind me & my family that while this operation would hopefully alleviate the sharp nerve pain I've been experiencing it is by no means a cure for my back problems.
That said I am still optimistic about the positive fall out in my life. The pain, limitations on mobility, and other complications have been escalating radically over the last few weeks.
So far as long as we keep up on the meds I'm doing great. As predicted I sleep a LOT. As I was leaving the hospital my nurse gave me some really encouraging info. She stated that in watching me move she could tell that I have learned to accommodate that injury & that she didn't think I was going to have too much trouble being careful and following the restrictions placed on me.
I'm noticing lots of little things that are different in good ways like my left heal & hamstring not being so tight, or coughing without shooting pain in my legs & feet. The tissue around my incision is sore & grumpy, but then 24 hours ago I was in an operating room, so whaaah.
Scott's doing a good job to take care of me. I'm currently composing a shopping list for him, the top items on which are lemon yogurt & nilla waffers (at 10:30pm lying flat on my back in the hospital bed with the leg squeezers on & morphine in my system that was a pretty amazing snack).
Been vertical now long enough to know I ought to go lay down. No news is good news for a while.
Live long & prosper.
~m
Surgery went well, he only had to go in from the right side (this means he only had to cut muscles on the right side). There was some seepage of spinal fluid but due to scar tissue on the sheath of my spine he couldn't see where it was coming from to suture (thus the lying flat for the first 16 hours). The nerves were splayed around the bulged disc material & he was very careful to remind me & my family that while this operation would hopefully alleviate the sharp nerve pain I've been experiencing it is by no means a cure for my back problems.
That said I am still optimistic about the positive fall out in my life. The pain, limitations on mobility, and other complications have been escalating radically over the last few weeks.
So far as long as we keep up on the meds I'm doing great. As predicted I sleep a LOT. As I was leaving the hospital my nurse gave me some really encouraging info. She stated that in watching me move she could tell that I have learned to accommodate that injury & that she didn't think I was going to have too much trouble being careful and following the restrictions placed on me.
I'm noticing lots of little things that are different in good ways like my left heal & hamstring not being so tight, or coughing without shooting pain in my legs & feet. The tissue around my incision is sore & grumpy, but then 24 hours ago I was in an operating room, so whaaah.
Scott's doing a good job to take care of me. I'm currently composing a shopping list for him, the top items on which are lemon yogurt & nilla waffers (at 10:30pm lying flat on my back in the hospital bed with the leg squeezers on & morphine in my system that was a pretty amazing snack).
Been vertical now long enough to know I ought to go lay down. No news is good news for a while.
Live long & prosper.
~m
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
I appologize!
However I make no immediate promises for improvement. I'm scheduled
for back surgery day after tomorrow & until I know how that went I
have no idea how & if I'm going to be able to post in the near
future.
It's been a rather unpleasant few weeks. The nerve pain has gotten the best of me & I spend most of the time I'm not at work laying flat in bed. It helps, but not enough. Keep getting more and more disturbing signs of nerve damage. I'm very glad I didn't postpone this any longer than I did.
I have a good feeling about my neurosurgeon. I've never dealt with Salt Lake Regional Hospital, but given my general distrust of all hospitals I'm supposing that one is no worse than another...
Scott's been an amazing support for me. I have severe anxiety, & pain dulls my fo=,cus while limiting my ability. I can only hope his patience continues! Don't know how I'll repay him, but I'm sure glad to have his help & support.
Mom & Glenn are looking at a new adventure, they're putting together a food concession trailer. It seems like a good way of combining her customer service skills & his food service skills while allowing them both a way to retire & travel a bit. It's been fun to think, plan, and dream it up with them. I hope to support their adventure & perhaps get to participate a bit.
My favorite nephew's birthday is the 24th. I can't believe how big he is & how proud I am. I may be the crazy, prone to spoiling, rarely seen aunt, but it's not from lack of adoration!
Time for another pain pill & a little time with my VERY temporary bedroom television.
It's likely to be several days if not weeks before I'm able to post again. Keep your fingers crossed for me!
~m
It's been a rather unpleasant few weeks. The nerve pain has gotten the best of me & I spend most of the time I'm not at work laying flat in bed. It helps, but not enough. Keep getting more and more disturbing signs of nerve damage. I'm very glad I didn't postpone this any longer than I did.
I have a good feeling about my neurosurgeon. I've never dealt with Salt Lake Regional Hospital, but given my general distrust of all hospitals I'm supposing that one is no worse than another...
Scott's been an amazing support for me. I have severe anxiety, & pain dulls my fo=,cus while limiting my ability. I can only hope his patience continues! Don't know how I'll repay him, but I'm sure glad to have his help & support.
Mom & Glenn are looking at a new adventure, they're putting together a food concession trailer. It seems like a good way of combining her customer service skills & his food service skills while allowing them both a way to retire & travel a bit. It's been fun to think, plan, and dream it up with them. I hope to support their adventure & perhaps get to participate a bit.
My favorite nephew's birthday is the 24th. I can't believe how big he is & how proud I am. I may be the crazy, prone to spoiling, rarely seen aunt, but it's not from lack of adoration!
Time for another pain pill & a little time with my VERY temporary bedroom television.
It's likely to be several days if not weeks before I'm able to post again. Keep your fingers crossed for me!
~m
Monday, January 9, 2012
I give up!
Ok, I give up on fixing my holiday post, the camera, my computer & my schedule have gotten together and forced my hand. Life's been crazy. I'm trying to identify & finish projects around the house so that I'm more comfy during my recovery time. Work's in full swing, it's the first week of the semester and slow times on the job are a fond memory. This too shall pass.
While we were south we did some property shopping & are still playing with the idea of buying land in southern Arizona. Fact is the markets right for it, we found something we like and if we can make the financing work we want it. We've always planned to own a piece of land somewhere that we could call home base. Now we're contemplating having two of those. This would allow us to retire to a somewhat smaller rv giving us more camping options without requiring a tractor to haul them. In shopping for a smaller toy hauler type rig we found a trailer we both love and can see ourselves living in...that's unusual.
Our drive home from Q was uneventful and somewhat pleasant. We've done this trip enough times to develop a routine. Doesn't hurt that I was able to nap for a good part of the time that Scott was driving :)
Our cats seem to have weathered our absence with little inconvenience, even Outie was glad to see us & quick to forgive.
My car is rebelling on me, the beloved purple beast was unstartable yet again this morning....it's a darn good thing that I love that car as much as I do. Hopefully while I'm out of commission Scott will be able to do some diagnostic research. Whatever gremlin is draining the battery has gotten on my last nerve. If I don't drive the car every day or place it on a battery charger it refuses to start. Why must the car I love betray me!?!
Sunday I woke up to a surprise. Where I normally have shooting pain I now have numbness and tingling. I am so glad that back surgery is already scheduled! The numbness is different but not necessarily better.
Tried a new restaraunt the other night, Red Maple, it was great! Definitely going back soon!
Been typing this while laying in bed & my left arm's gone numb. Really looking forward to not having to favor my back this much!
Live long & prosper.
~m
While we were south we did some property shopping & are still playing with the idea of buying land in southern Arizona. Fact is the markets right for it, we found something we like and if we can make the financing work we want it. We've always planned to own a piece of land somewhere that we could call home base. Now we're contemplating having two of those. This would allow us to retire to a somewhat smaller rv giving us more camping options without requiring a tractor to haul them. In shopping for a smaller toy hauler type rig we found a trailer we both love and can see ourselves living in...that's unusual.
Our drive home from Q was uneventful and somewhat pleasant. We've done this trip enough times to develop a routine. Doesn't hurt that I was able to nap for a good part of the time that Scott was driving :)
Our cats seem to have weathered our absence with little inconvenience, even Outie was glad to see us & quick to forgive.
My car is rebelling on me, the beloved purple beast was unstartable yet again this morning....it's a darn good thing that I love that car as much as I do. Hopefully while I'm out of commission Scott will be able to do some diagnostic research. Whatever gremlin is draining the battery has gotten on my last nerve. If I don't drive the car every day or place it on a battery charger it refuses to start. Why must the car I love betray me!?!
Sunday I woke up to a surprise. Where I normally have shooting pain I now have numbness and tingling. I am so glad that back surgery is already scheduled! The numbness is different but not necessarily better.
Tried a new restaraunt the other night, Red Maple, it was great! Definitely going back soon!
Been typing this while laying in bed & my left arm's gone numb. Really looking forward to not having to favor my back this much!
Live long & prosper.
~m
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