Need some Zen

From Friday:

I haven't been at all close to my best this week.  Breaking in new shoes & overcooked pasta are just 2 of the things that have brought me to tears.  I'm pretty certain that's not at all normal! I'm hoping  it's just a combination of several things that have been not right  for a long while.  I think I've run out of coping mechanisms.  I am working on determining my options.

Not much to report beyond that.  More of the same.  Enjoying my nearly daily visits with Lynn.   Figuratively jumping the many hurdles of daily life.
The new job is still far from what I loved at Jordan campus.  I'm learning more and more of the rhythm of things at Redwood, but I really miss the "family" for lack of a better word that had formed at Jordan where I felt like there was nearly always someone who might correct or assist me.  I know this stress is partially due to my own stress & unhappiness with the change.  I'm hoping that with time I can settle in, be more comfortable with the people & experiences there.

 I'm also having a bit of a time adjusting to the different pain I'm experiencing now that I'm not dealing with the strong nerve pain.  Where before all of the pain went into the same box labeled "ignore"I was dangerously good at managing it, now there's subtle bone aches, sharp spasms, and this really strange sensation I believe is called hunger when I forget to eat.  It is by no means anything I would trade.  I'm just not used to these new identifiable single notes of discomfort yet.  I am so much weaker than I'm used to and tasks that I could manage even with the piercing pain are often too much & have to be abandoned or beg for help.  I'm really glad to have Lynn's walker way more often than I'd like to admit.  Doesn't help that I am less patient with myself than I am with others, & I've never been one to win any award for any sort of patience.

I am just a tiny corner of this awesome world, and previously my solace has been focusing on the bright beautiful & precious wherever I could find it.  That's a bit of a revelation actually.  I must not be focusing where I used to find solace.  Therefore I must be being more selfish.  That's one to think on.

And to attempt a bit of focus change, lets try a list.

Today when I saw my primary doctor for the first time in 3 months, my guts & my spine feel amazingly different. Since my last visit with him, my bp is reasonable.  Even when I've had a high stress day, haven't taken my meds or eaten yet, just left a not un-stressful visit with my friends at Jordan, and dealt with the office staff at West Jordan Medical who never fail to piss me off.

The doc was happy with what he see's optimistic about my physical state, and helpful with my mental state.

Today was Friday & I don't have to go back to that awful place that is now my job until Monday.  To be fair it's not as awful as many other places, I am only spoiled by the unique and much cherished situation I had at Jordan.  I really wonder if part of my frustration with this move is really disappointment at loosing something that I loved so much.  It will never be true that I didn't appreciate that job.  Even before things shifted I knew what a great thing I had.  I can only make peace & move on. It doesn't help that I'm still sort of in limbo between the two worlds.  It is both a pain & a comfort to go out to Jordan, see all those people, taste the unique charms of that place & job even for a few hours each week.  I waffle between the rip of the bandaid quickly theory & savoring the remains of something sweet.

 Sunday evening:

Sorry for the break in my post, had to stop suddenly & didn't' get back to the blog again till tonight.  It's been a crazy sort of weekend.  Not exactly busy, but not at all slow.  Wish it was 3 days longer.  The rest has done me good.

Yesterday Scott cooked corned beef & cul cannon (no idea how to spell that, it's a veggie potato dish).  All was delish!

Weather's been hit and miss big storm system moving through.  I think I'm ready for spring.  Hope I build back enough strength to go motorcycling & camping before too long.

Yahzi says I have to skritch him & help him watch birds now.  Just as well, I'm out of anything intelligent to say.

Live long & prosper.
~m