It wasn't at all my intent to neglect my blog, in fact I've put a lot of effort into several worthless entries that I didn't feel right about posting. So I'm not apologizing. But I'm crossing my fingers that this post falls from my fingertips in a pleasant manner so that I can finally post again....CUZ I'M FELLING HELLA-GUILTY.
Going north to be with my family for Grandpa's passing is one of the best decisions I've made. I have no regrets about taking off in the middle of Monday to drive north. It was the right thing to do, and there wasn't really a choice to make. I knew when Grandma Jackie passed that I didn't need to be there and it's kinda bothered me that that choice was so clear. But when Grandpa was moving on I just KNEW that I needed to be with my family...more for me than any usefulness I might be to them.
I was there in his house and was able to feel the environment of LOVE. It's not the perfect word to describe the feeling in the house, but it's the best one I know because it's so all encompassing. I stood in his room with cousins, aunts, uncles, and my mom for a few moments watching him stuggle for each breath and fight what was coming.
Grandpa's always been a strange example of faith for me. He absolutely believed that there was something beyond this life, but didn't have the confidence/testimony of what exactly it was. I think he really knew more spiritually than most souls. He just didn't believe that he was educated enough or important enough to know exactly what it was. He was a humble man, and often expressed his worries for the afterlife as "I hope...." he BELIEVED there was something, and that he didn't deserve to know what it was. More often than not his faith was so absolute that it terrified him. I'm taking great comfort in him KNOWING now exactly what's out there. He's been HOPING Grandma was happy and comfortable for 4 years now. Now I BELIEVE he's holding her hand and they're both smiling. I also believe that my Dad was there to give him a hug and a pat on the back as he crossed over.
A few weeks ago when my aunt and uncle stopped by to check on Grandpa they found him dozing in his chair. When he came awake and noticed they were there he said "Where'd Keith & Brian go?" Keith is his brother and Brian's my dad...both of whom have passed on and are on the short list of people whom Grandpa would actually listen to and trust outright. It's my belief that they stopped by to chat with him and help him prepare for his passing.
I'm using the word believe a lot in this post, and I don't want to open up a theological debate. I rarely explain or justify my beliefs to anyone. They are the most basic and personal foundations of my self. I respect everyone's right to worship in the privacy of his own soul, and I expect the same. So if my belief clashes or differs with yours, consider it my opinion and know I treasure diversity. If we agree perhaps my sharing will help you recognize a truth you've also seen in your life.
So I was there in my Grandfather's home..surrounded by love, and acceptance, and most of the people who taught me to tease...when he gave up the battle and passed from this life. My cousin Kim (a brave soul who's fighting her own battle with cancer) was holding his hand and saying goodbye so she could go home and suffer the after effects of the kemo she'd just received. His breathing changed, he stopped fighting, and they called the rest of us back into the room. Eric who has been Grandpa's shadow all of his life was on his way into the house as Grandpa was leaving it. I don't know how to explain all the emotions I went through in that hour and the ones after it, and there were so many...so I'm just going to sum it up by saying: I am SO glad I was there. It's the only place I should have been right then, and I have NO regrets.
The following week was full of a thousand details, and tears. Not of sadness though. Just of loss. We all miss him so much, and he's been our tie to Grandma and their home for the last 4 years. I think we're all grieving both of them a bit now.
We planned a Hillyard funeral, in our own style. It was longer than Grandpa would have asked for, and none of us would trade the time and memories shared to make it shorter. His daughters sang (backed by his granddaughters since we weren't sure who'd be busy bawling), all of his children shared a memory of their Dad, and most of his grandchildren shared a memory of Grandpa. There wasn't a lot of preaching, but there was a lot of faith shared, and a lot of love remembered. Also I'm pretty sure that I haven't heard the word shit referred to as a noun in a chapel ever before. The boys (grandsons) carried the his pine casket to a horse drawn hearse and Eric lead a horse wearing his saddle behind the hearse all the way to the cemetery. After the praying was done we sang "Horsey horsey on your way we've been together..." as the hearse left. It was one of those strange completely non traditional things that was perfect for the situation.
Since the funeral I'm back home and trying to get caught back up with life. Mom came down Wednesday to do some shopping for USU. We found the right fabric for her project and then somehow we talked ourselves into driving over to Park City in one of the worst snow storms of the year. It was an adventure, and neither of us was really scared, but we prolly won't be doing that again any time soon. She ended up staying at my house and driving home the next day. We had a good visit that day too. It's been a long time since we both had time to just spend with each other doing whatever we want.
Scott & I are gearing up for our annual Quartzsite trip. Once again we'll be camping in the desert with some of our favorite people, campfires, conversation, low expectations, good food, and a New Christy Minstrels Concert. Also a stop at the Fried Jalapeno Cheese Curd Cart. Judy & I might do some bead/craft shopping too.
What with all the time away from work lately and our vacation looming, I'm finding that my budget isn't going at all like I'd like. But I'm trying to ignore that. I wouldn't trade a moment of the week I took off or the time with my mom. Also we had the annual Cousin Shoppin trip in the midst of all the funeral plans. It was the right thing to do, and I'll find a way to pay my bills somehow. Besides, who can be grumpy when they're leaving highs of 34 and snow forecast to go to highs in the 60's and a chance of sunshine?
Life's pretty good to me, and I'm loving where and who I am.
Hoping everyone finds joy and peace in the new year.
-m
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